Effing Bryan, Man
1. This week, on the Bachelorette, the boys go to Geneva! Because nothing says romance like Switzerland! And anyway, Rachel needs to work on her acting skills for her post-Bachelorette life, and a good way to do that is to practice looking like you’re having fun when it’s actively freezing out.
2. Note: Rachel does not master that skill this week.
3. Bryan gets the first one on one date, which is great, because I need to take a nap anyway.
4. The Unattractive Whites and Personal Trainer Peter begin to descend into a jealous madness while Dean is just like nah I’m good. Dean, you are the only one left that matters. Dean for president.
5. Please do not elect Dean as president.
6. This idiot Rachel is gonna marry old ass Bryan. I wonder if she will ever in her whole life realize that she’s never had a normal conversation with this weirdo before. Can one spend an entire lifetime with a guy who is only capable of saying “I am crazy about you” and “I really like you” and “I also like this watch”?
7. Ok I really don’t want to waste any breath on this monster, but he is saying that his last relationship fell apart because he rushed into things. So… now here he is on the Bachelorette… trying to get engaged after two dates. Seems like he’s grown a lot since that last girl.
8. Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean
9. This date is not going well. Dean is spending too much time being adorable and not enough time telling Rachel about how much he likes her. This is not how you win against Bryan, the broken record.
10. Angsty Dean may not be Dean’s best look, but it is still a thousand times better than any look Bryan, the 1000 year old man, has ever had.
11. This episode would be way more interesting if any of these guys would just burst into tears. But they’re not. They’re just sulking silently and bitterly talking about how young Dean is. The producers are really half-assing this week.
12. Dean says like, one half of a personal detail about himself, and that’s all it takes to put Rachel back on the Dean Train. They make out in front of a tree and forget all about the fact that he may be a teenager. I continue to question Rachel’s judgement, even in choosing to meet the family of my #2 (RIP Alex).
13. Rachel says she is gonna take Peter on a helicopter tour of the Swiss Alps, but then they fly over a bunch of flat farmland and fields for a long time. It’s seeming increasingly likely she does not know what an Alp is. SO MUCH FOR BEING THE SMART ONE, RACHEL.
14. Peter and Rachel’s first date was BarkFest and now they are dog sledding. The producers know what Peter likes, and it is various forms of human fun at a dog’s expense.
15. Does this email seem way more boring than usual? It feels more boring than usual. I will not get offended if you just skip the rest of it altogether.
16. The dogs get tired so Peter and Rachel carry on their conversation while sitting and shivering in an actual blizzard on a glacier. They will probably die here. The rest of the season is just going to be smiley baby Dean doing his thing whilst Eric and the Ugly Whites continue to covet his youth from afar.
17. Peter opens up and says that the hardest thing he’s ever done in love is dump a girl. Peter is trash. Don’t be fooled by his face and his hair and his body and his facade of owning a small town business. He is the Vanessa Grimaldi of Rachel’s The Bachelorette. And he is here for the wrong reasons.
18. But maybe if they get married, Rachel can get a job at his celebrity gym training girls’ eyelids to occasionally wear fake eyelashes as dense and heavy as the ones she puts on every single day.
19. Up next, the episode’s only chance to redeem itself, as the Remaining Ugly Whites and Eric duke it out in a 3-on-1. Spoiler alert, though: It is also very boring.
20. Matt, the penguin guy, talks a long time about how much Rachel has done for him. Which is objectively crazy, since he hasn’t been in this show at all. I would be surprised if she knows his name?
21. Matt tells Rachel he hopes he’s still in the running and she dumps him on the spot. She cries a lot, because apparently the hardest thing in the world is dumping a person you don’t care about at all. Maybe she and Peter will make it after all.
22. But good for Matt. I mean, has anyone ever made it to the top 6 by pure accident before? Pretty sure he almost got a hometown because Rachel just forgot he was there.
23. Guys, no one cares about Matt. He only has 3,000 followers on Instagram. He has been on television for 2 months now.
24. Dean has 183k. Peter has 166k. Even DeMario the rapist has more than 30k. Nobody cares about Matt.
25. Adam hedges his bets and uses his time to tell Rachel how much he likes her. We know this is the truest and fastest way to her heart. But we cannot forget that Adam is a the weird doll guy. The doll has continued to make weird appearances throughout the season. It is not normal. Adam + Doll is not a Bachelor Spinoff I would watch. Ever. Rachel picks Eric, despite the fact that he didn’t talk about how much he likes her at all. This is the only reasonable thing Rachel has done in weeks.
26. But big props to Eric for explaining that when he made it out of his neighborhood, he decided he wanted to give back and help people. Which is how he got into helping rich clients build muscles for money.
27. Ok, well we have our hometown guys. Oldman Bryan, Dean The Adorable Snowboarding Orphan, Shitty Peter and Dule Hill I mean Eric.
28. Maybe next week will be more interesting.
29. Wait. Wait. Wait. Dean’s dad is a white guru with a purple turban and floor lengthen beard?!?!?!? Oh my God. I am all the way back in this.
30. Does Chris Harrison still get paid for an episode Chris Harrison is not in? Does Chris Harrison cease to exist all together if he makes no appearance on this show? If a Chris Harrison falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it… will he be fired soon and replaced by Nick Viall?