hi ho

A Great Victory For The Non-Handsome Whites

A Great Victory For The Non-Handsome Whites

1. I can’t deal with this Kenny v. Lee anymore. I feel like I’m betraying societal values by even engaging in this story line. 

2. Rachel is trying so hard to look cute while also freezing in Norway. It is impossible to fall in love while uncomfortably cold. This is just science. 

3. Kenny calls the Resident White Supremacist a snake as the camera cuts to footage of a real live snake. Some producer probably came when he found a literal snake in the grass on this date. Or else it’s just extra footage from South Carolina. 

4. Rachel really kindly and softly sends home the racist. So Kenny, buddy, quit while you’re ahead. Don’t go back to talk to Lee. Don’t like the Klansman get you down.

5. Kenny gets a rose anyway, and all of the racial wounds in America are hereby healed. (This is sarcasm, please don’t read this the wrong way, I am so mad at this franchise right now I could punch.)

6. Cue 5 hour montage of Kenny crying in various locations.

7. Probably worth mentioning that Kenny’s bloody eye has nothing to do with the Great Bachelor War On Dignity (aka Lee Garrett’s run on the show). I mean, whatever. I am over this. Let’s never speak of it again.

8. At the rose ceremony, the boys carry in lanterns that are clearly recycled from Nick’s trip to Scandinavia. 

9. Adam and Matt, aka the non-handsome whites, are very nervous they will get sent home. Alex and Peter, the handsome whites, are also very nervous. Lee has not done any favors for the whites this (or any) week. 

10. Josiah is not nervous at all. In fact he is cheering like a maniac to camera for himself.

11. Josiah is a sick fuck. 

12. Josiah goes home. BUT SO DOES SILENT ANTHONY. You were too good for this program, Silent Anthony. May you live on in the Most Overqualified And Least Interesting Reality Contestants Hall of Fame. 

13. Ok not to harp on this, but how did the non-handsome whites make it longer than Silent Anthony? Just because they talked? Because they don't talk that much. And let’s not forget that one of the non-handsome whites has been toting a My-Size Barbie around. 

14. Alright, load up the tour bus, we’re headed to some kind of beach in Denmark. I guess it makes sense that there are beaches in Denmark, since Denmark is on the water. But something about it still feels unnatural. 

15. Dule Hill I mean Eric gets a one on one. Hopefully they will get into the nitty gritty of why he is billed as a Personal Trainer but Peter gets to be a Business Owner. 

 A celebrity trainer I mean business owner I mean normal ass trainer in action

A celebrity trainer I mean business owner I mean normal ass trainer in action

16. This is a cool date, where they find a bunch of large metal buckets full of hot water and naked men and decide, hey, this is basically a hot tub. 

 Peak Bachelor Romance: a hot tub and some stranger's dick. via Daily Mail

Peak Bachelor Romance: a hot tub and some stranger's dick. via Daily Mail

17. Rachel’s type is literally any guy who says he likes her. And so Eric will get a rose. Even though Rachel continues to refer to him as a child. This is boring let’s get to Will’s date.

18. Rachel shows up to her group date wearing a cape. I immediately forget everything about her that has been annoying me this week.

 She doesn't know a good dude when she sees one but godDAMN can she pick out a cape. via ew.com

She doesn't know a good dude when she sees one but godDAMN can she pick out a cape. via ew.com

19. Two true Danish heroes, Morton and Tom, show up with swords and red robes and silly little hats to teach the dudes how to fight. I suspect the producers accidentally hired whatever the Danish equivalent of Monty Python is instead of Viking war re-enacters, but it’s probably for the best. 

20. Alex explains that he is the king of group dates because they all involve dress-up and sports. Alex should drop out of this competition right now and join forces with Tom + Morton for the greatest Bachelor spin off of all time. Tom, Morton, and Alex will dress up as different warriors from different eras each week and fight for your heart. Or something?

21. We’re all thinking it. This date has way too much of guys I don’t care about fighting and not nearly enough Tom and Morton doing fancy Viking jigs and telling silly jokes. 

22. I worry that Rachel will get engaged to Bryan, despite the fact that he is so obviously the worst of the OK guys. I worry that she will be swept up in the moment, and how many times per minute he can tell her he is ready to procreate. I worry that someday soon she will wake up and realize she has just had 10-12 children with an old-ass Chiropractor in Miami. 

23. Rachel finally puts Kenny out of his misery. It’s the nicest thing she has done all season. Racist Ass Lee will somehow take credit for this. Even after his Racist Ass Social Media presence has been taken off the internet, he will walk around on the streets and stop strangers to tell them about the time that he got every black man except for Eric kicked off of the thirteenth season of the Bachelorette. Eventually, he will find people who care, and he will join them, on their Klan ranch in northern Idaho. He will be happy there. This is a happy ending for Racist Ass Lee.

24. Kenny can at least join the ranks with Silent Anthony as men who are too good to be here. Remember Amanda from Ben’s season? Who just keeps leaving her children with some rando nanny while she accepts every Bachelor Spin Off television appearance in the universe?

25. How many different colorful pants did Alex bring to Scandinavia? 

26. Alex isn’t getting nearly enough airtime. This is probably for the best. Let’s lower his self confidence until he feels so useless he’ll agree to date me. 

27. Rachel is supposed to be really dope. But you know what? I think she has terrible judgment. She sent home Silent Anthony. She isn’t feeling Will on their multi-country date. She won’t give cool pants Alex the time of day. BUT SHE LOVES ERIC AND BRYAN. Girl, this is why you are still single. (That, and the fact that you’re only 31 and that’s a completely acceptable age to not have found a life partner yet and even if you never find one that is ok because women don’t need a marriage to thrive.)

28. Rachel sends Will home. Rachel is an idiot. Good luck finding a partner who will make a lifetime of puns on his own name now, girl.

29. Meanwhile 100% of the Non-Handsome Whites are still in the running. 

30. How does every single Bachelor and Bachelorette underestimate how hard this is gonna be? Don’t they watch each others’ seasons? Hasn’t anyone ever become the Bachelorette and thought, “Dating a thousand dummies at once for like 6 weeks before choosing one to wed might be kind of hard”? 

31. RACHEL YOU FOOL. SEND THE UGLY DOLL GUY HOME. DON’T GET RID OF THE HOT RUSSIAN WHO LOVES DRESS UP.

32. Rachel has lost my respect tonight. 

33. Now she and her hoard of unattractive whites will move on to some other country I don’t care about. There are still 4 episodes left in this season? 

34. I guess the only upside here is that Alex is back on the market. I’m coming for ya, dude.

35. God, was that the pick up line of the century?

Effing Bryan, Man

Effing Bryan, Man

A Pacifist, A Racist, and Jack Stone Walk Into A Bar

A Pacifist, A Racist, and Jack Stone Walk Into A Bar