Bang A Gong
1. I’m going to be honest with you, I am not looking forward to this night and Dean’s inevitable dismissal. I do not care about Eric. I think Peter is a scumbag. I really, really, really hate creepy ass Bryan. These next two hours are going to be really torturous and endlessly frustrating for me.
2. And yet, she persisted.
3. I guess I like Eric more than our front runners Peter and Bryan. But is Rachel/anyone really ready to date a guy who dances to his own theme song of “Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay” every single time she sees him?
4. Can’t believe 50% of remaining contestants are personal trainers.
5. I just googled “Top Ten Toughest Cities In America” to corroborate Eric’s statement about Baltimore. Apparently this is a real list that Forbes releases. Forbes puts Baltimore at #7. I will never doubt Eric again.
6. Eric has a childhood friend named Ralph who skulks around the basketball court for a while, says “I’m proud of him” and then basically backs off into the distance. I like that the only friend Eric could get to show up for him is so, deeply strange. And I like that a dude in the seventh toughest city is rocking the name Ralph. I am warming up to Eric. Can’t wait til my second favorite goes home next week.
8. Looks like Rachel is showing up with the typical Bachelor brand deli flowers and… is that hummus? Ok.
9. Eric’s family is an incredible pile of Maryland ladies who all know Eric’s “Ay ay ay ay” theme song. Like truly, I think every woman in all of Baltimore is piled onto his aunt’s couch wearing every shade of lipstick imaginable. I love this so much.
10. A woman related to Eric (maybe his mom? his aunt? who knows!) jumps right into the first conversation about race we’ve gotten all season. She is delightful. This is all delightful.
11. Remember earlier this year when we went to Miami with Nick and Corinne and got to go on an incredible shopping journey? This date with creepy ass Bryan is not that.
12. He calls it “The Real Miami” which is apparently where a bunch of old men in fedoras play dominos.
13. Flower check: this bunch of deli flowers is easily twice the size of the Baltimore deli flowers. Plus wine? Oh Eric honey, you got shafted.
14. The fact that Bryan is still in his mom’s back pocket at age 1000 is a huge red flag. Run, Rachel, run.
15. Everyone keeps talking about this ex girlfriend who was so horrible for clashing with Bryan’s mom. But guys. Bryan’s mom sucks.
16. That edit tamed Bryan’s nightmare ass mom so hard. So yeah, I’d say he’s gonna win.
17. Peter’s one on one is in Wisconsin and I’m immediately suspicious because the weather is beautiful. Is Wisconsin beautiful? I think we’d have heard about it by now.
18. If Peter is such a celebrity trainer, why isn’t anyone recognizing him in the street? I always recognize my trainers on the street. It’s a whole thing.
19. Ooooh coming in hot on this hometown is… Peter’s TWO black friends! Peter loves diversity. Peter suddenly really wants you to know he loves diversity. He mentions his six other black friends in the first sentence of his conversation. They couldn’t make it so you’re gonna just have to believe that they’re real.
20. Flower update: family of Peter receives like, 3 purple flowers, puzzlingly not the ones they picked out at the flower market. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
21. Peter’s family update: No dog (weren’t we promised he had a dog?), but one very loud light up “Welcome Rachel” sign that is never acknowledged.
22. I need to know more about the Peter’s mom’s giant tattoo whose wing is just poking up over the neckline of her shirt. Please, anybody, give me information.
23. Dean is the best person in the world. He’s… gonna be the next Bachelor, right?
24. If it’s Peter… Please, let it not be Peter.
25. Dean is being punished by Rachel for having a shitty dad. Go away, Rachel. You deserve Bryan.
26. Dean forever.
27. Oh wait, just remembered that Dean is probably in a love triangle with Kristina and Danielle Lo. Ugh, Paradise, must you ruin everything that is good in this world?
28. Flower update: Huh. Fine. They’re fine. They must not have that many 7 Elevens that sell flowers in Colorado.
29. Dean’s dad tells him that Dean is speaking from his Male Chakra now, even though Dean’s dad never thought Dean had it in him to do that. I don’t really know what that means, but I think it’s probably a sick burn.
30. Sikh burn.
31. I’m so sorry.
32. This is so strange. I can’t really deal. But Dean’s dad’s pink turban/white beard combination is killer.
33. I have never seen such an angry gong master. Dressed in head to toe pink.
34. Can’t believe Rachel is gonna tell Dean she’s falling in love with him and then SEND HIM HOME?! After Peter straight up said he didn’t even want to get fake Bachelor engaged?? Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl.
35. Rachel is having a heart to heart with Chris Harrison and the theme of her make up is “Full On Christmas.”
36. Sparkly green eye shadow! Deep red lipstick! Insane layers of rouge! FACE GLITTER.
37. Alright, I’m ready for bed. Let’s just rip this bandaid off and let Dean get the Bachelor Franchise He Deserves.
38. Remember how fun Eric’s hometown was? With the pile of Baltimore ladies?
39. Goodbye Dean.
40. Goodbye Dean. Please know we are all judging Rachel for what she has done to you.
41. Goodbye, Dean. I will patrol the streets of Venice until I find you. I really think we have something special (unless I run into Russian Alex first).