hi ho

Lee's A Flamingo

Lee's A Flamingo

1. I am watching an episode of a Bachelor franchise show on my laptop in a roadside Starbucks for the SECOND TIME THIS YEAR. This is getting dark. 

2. Well, here we are with Demario, and Rachel, who is being forced by producers to pretend like she might consider taking him back. She won’t. She knows how good she looks in that faux fur, she doesn’t need this. 

3. Hi I’m obsessed with the fact that they made Demario take an Uber back to the mansion. The Bachelorette couldn’t send a car to Century City for this?? 

4. Rachel should get some kind of trophy for being the only Bachelorette that matters.

5. Um. Jonathan comes in wearing some weird ass giant hands. They are not normal giant hands. They are discolored and wrinkled, as if removed from a very large old man on his death bed. Jonathan, I am not comfortable with your post-mortem mutilation of elderly giants. Please leave.

Jonathan turns to producer, "Hey... could you get me some off-colored giant hands to wear? I'm worried Rachel isn't taking me seriously."

Jonathan turns to producer, "Hey... could you get me some off-colored giant hands to wear? I'm worried Rachel isn't taking me seriously."

6. As if I couldn’t hate Sex Addict Blake any more… HE DOESN’T EAT BANANAS? Go die in a ditch, S.A.B. 

7. ANTHONY SPEAKS!! I think… well really, I just heard an unfamiliar voice as the camera panned to Anthony’s face. So, that could be a random voice actor doing some light ADR. 

8. Will uses his own name as a pun. I’ve retyped this sentence four times because I genuinely cannot tell if that makes him terrible or dope as hell.

9. KENNY USES HIS OWN NAME AS A PUN TOO?! This time around decidedly not dope.

10. It’s cool we all now know that Lee is a flaming racist. And also cool that I now know that my laptop corrects “flaming racist” to “flamingo.” Lee is a Flamingo.

11. Whaboom Lucas and S.A.B. both go home, because Rachel has fully run out of patience for Producer Shenanigans. Make no mistake, she is decidedly not Nick Viall, whose whole thing was Producer Shenanigans.

12. Who was the third person to go home?? Will we ever know?

13. His name was apparently Jamey, which does not ring a single bell.

14. Wow, is the reveal of the episode that these In The Moment interviews between Lucas and Sex Addict Blake were occurring concurrently? Next to each other?? 

15. Whaboom tells Sex Addict Blake to go back to his steroids and I am now on #teamlucas

16. Now we are at the glorious cross-promotion part of the episode, where Ellen explains to Rachel that the Jonathan tickle stuff is objectively creepy. Maybe I will watch an Ellen episode at some point this year in appreciation for her wisdom. 

17. Probably not though.

18. None of the guys are upset that they will be on the Ellen show because they are all here to be Instagram celebrities and the more TV time the better. This is not an embarrassing moment for any of them, this is what they WANT. 

19. Oh My God, is Alex a Male Stripper? There is no way he is not a male stripper. 

I mean... (via Detroit Metro Times)

I mean... (via Detroit Metro Times)

20. I am dropping my vote for Will. I am in on Alex the Definitely Male Stripper. 

21. Fred is a fantastic example of how insane handsomeness is NOT ENOUGH to overcome insane dorkiness. I will take comfort in this when I cannot get guys to like me. It’s not that I’m not hot enough, it’s just that my personality sucks. Thank you, Fred. I needed this. 

22. Whoa, two Alaskan Malamutes just walked into this Starbucks. What a cool ass day. 

23. Freddy, baby, props to your commitment to consent, but you’re a terrible kisser. 

24. Such a dick move for Rachel to walk this rose into her break up with Fred. That’s a real mindfuck. She must hate him a lot.

25. What? Did we even see Anthony get a date card? I guess at least we know what he sounds like when he talks now. It’s sort of underwhelming.

26. It does feel a little like the show’s editors keep forgetting this guy exists. HE LOVES MURAKAMI HE LOVES HIS MOM get it together, editors. He’s a gem. In an electric blue shirt.

27. Rachel and Anthony go on a horseback riding date in Beverly Hills. They cheers each other with champagne flutes filled with sparkling water as their horses shit all over the tackiest store on Rodeo Drive. This is what this store deserves for selling shirts that say “Too Glam To Give A Damn.” 

28. Ooh, it’s a fun twist that Eric is a drunk crazy mess. He’s been keeping such a low profile and then BAM. 

29. But now we have to spend the rest of the episode on Eric, and that sucks. The most interesting thing about him is his vague resemblance to Dulé Hill. 

30. Oh my Best Friend Corinne is back and this is such a good day. Corinne Forever. I love Corinne and Rachel’s fake TV friendship. 

31. I’m less crazy about how tame Corinne is in her Bachelorette cameos. Get us to Paradise already!

32. This mud wrestling date was very uninteresting to me, until I saw that the producers made Eric shower off with a hose. No shower for you, Eric. You’re here for the wrong reasons.

33. I understand that the show is trying to make us not like Eric, but come on. BIG surprise that Lee The Racist is trying to get rid of him. What’s the game plan Lee??? Do you realize who you are trying to woo once you have publicly humiliated every man of color on this show? I hope you die. 

34.How is it that so many years into this franchise, NOBODY HAS EVER realized that questioning another guy’s motives is not the move? It’s like we’re living in some kind of Bachelorworld Ground Hogs Day. 

35. Oh my GOD who cares about this week’s drama. Next week Will confronts Lee for being a racist dick!! All of my dreams are coming true. I am back on the Will train. This week has been a rollercoaster.

A Timely Ranking Of All Of The Spice Girls Music Videos That Matter

A Timely Ranking Of All Of The Spice Girls Music Videos That Matter

Ashton's Big Come Back

Ashton's Big Come Back