Ashton's Big Come Back
1. Based on this episode’s preview I am legitimately worried that ABC is using up 100% of its drama this week. WHAT COULD BE LEFT?
2. At least we get some Copper The Dog right off the top.
3. Does Chris ALWAYS start off the episode with “I just hope everyone is here for the right reasons”? This girlfriend who is coming is SUCH an extreme producer plant I almost cannot deal.
4. Lucas has that look on his face that Trump did right after he became president. That one that’s like, “Really? I have to do this whole thing now? Doesn’t everyone know this was a joke?”
5. Don’t vote for Lucas.
6. When the men arrive on the group date, Rachel is casually grilling. Rachel is a cool girl who grills. You know, a real guy’s gal. And even though none of us shall be eating those mostly raw hot dogs, it’s important to see that Rachel can stand next to a tiny grill while holding a pair of tongs and wearing a sun dress, like all of the girls you fantasized about while you were jacking off in your frat house with your brothers.
7. It sucks now that we know that Sex Addict Blake and Whaboom Lucas have already been on a reality show together. Like GUYS I don’t mind that all of the drama on this show is so contrived but COVER YOUR TRACKS jesus.
8. Also like… Sex Addict Blake, save your ire for a dude who is not 100% going to be kicked off the show any minute now.
9. Ashton Kutcher loves Rachel. This is great news, because it’s been a long time since Ashton Kutcher has had a reason to be on TV. Especially in the role of ‘model husband.’
10. (How does Demi feel about this?)
11. The tiny Dummy Adam is floating in the pool. I am sad for the Dummy Adam. He really didn’t deserve this mess. He should be home, in Human Adam’s apartment, taking a nice long forever nap with Human Adam’s other weird fetish toys while Human Adam does his thing on television. RIP Dummy Adam.
12. I’m calling it early: Will is perfect.
13. Did the ABC censors… blur out the fake doll poop in the Ashton Kutcher Fake Baby Challenge? Are we not allowed to see fake shit on network television?
14. I take back my Ashton Snark. Good for you, Ashton, for telling America that this group of men is a bunch of trash.
15. Are Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher the best? Wow. They may be the only winners of Season 13 of The Bachelorette.
16. Rachel loves Whaboom Lucas’s poem, but he rhymed “while” and “smile” with “entail.” He did it by pronouncing it ‘en-tile.’ So, no thanks.
17. Jack Stone is much dumber than I would have guessed, based on his taste in dogs.
18. In defense of Whaboom Lucas, would someone with such a tiny head REALLY want to be on TV that badly? That cannot be the only reason he is here.
19. Rachel is bringing Copper The Dog on her date with Peter from Wisconsin. I hope Rachel ends up engaged to Copper The Dog. That is a Freeform spin-off that I would watch all of.
20. WHY WON’T RACHEL TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO COPPER?!
21. Oh my God.
22. Oh my God.
23. Oh my GOD what is Barkfest???
24. Oh my God.
25. Cancel the rest of this show, I need to stay at Barkfest for the next 8 weeks.
26. Fuck me, there does not seem to be a real promotional event called Barkfest. Everything is a lie.
27. Is Copper’s leg injury even real? Is there such a place as Palm Springs, California?? I can’t believe anything anymore.
28. Whatever the rest of this episode has in store, I’m not interested.
29. Rachel and Peter bond over the fact that they have both been to therapy. Congratulations, soul mates, you are the first two people to ever visit a therapist. This is a scary coincidence, indeed. You should probably just get married now.
30. But your wedding will never top Barkfest, the fake promotional event created especially for The Bachelorette by BarkBox.
31. Remember during the Facebook Live event when Chris Harrison said that Michael would be at this Basketball group date and then he got eliminated last week? I do. It’s cool that Chris Harrison can’t tell black men apart.
32. List of black men Chris Harrison may have confused for Michael: DeMario, Will, Josiah, Diggy, Eric, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
33. List of black men who look like Michael:
34. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up in a velvet jumpsuit, which is dope, but not dope enough for me to forgive The Bachelorette for BarkFestGate.
35. The sharp-eyed viewer will note that Rachel has stolen some poor teen’s pom poms at this basketball game. The teen cheerleader has to cheer with just her teen hands now.
36. Remember last week when I said it was fishy as fuck that DeMario had no social media presence before this April? Well, I just want to say, that even though I am in last place in my Bachelorette Fantasy League, I KNOW A SHADY FUCK WHEN I (don’t) SEE HIM.
37. The worst thing about DeMario is that he spent 7 months dating a girl who earnestly uses the line “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?”
38. Oh, so, Rachel is really cool.
39. Has anyone on this show ever been dumped with a “Get The Fuck Out”?!?!?!?
40. Sucks DeMario blew his shot at fame on a girl with the craziest pointed finger nails that have ever been.
41. Ugh this is the best episode of TV I have ever seen on this franchise. If Rachel keeps this up, I will have nothing rude to say about this show ever and this email will have to be canceled.
42. Extra points to the producer who didn’t allow DeMario to go back and change into his clothes. I hope he has to wear that purple uniform forever, as a mark of shame.
43. Well, this 20 minutes remaining of the rest of the men being sweet is bumming me out. When will this show learn how to go out on a HIGH note?
44. Why are Russian Alex’s eyes so red? Did he get punched in both eyes?? Is Alex Russian? I cannot remember.
45. Oh, hey there Anthony, packing up DeMario’s bag for him. This is a cool, brief, second appearance on this season. He still hasn’t spoken out loud? Can he speak? I’m gonna feel really shitty if he can’t speak.
46. DeMario comes back and the security guard says he is going to “go talk to Mr. Harrison” AS IF CHRIS HARRISON IS RUNNING THIS JOINT
47. Yeah right, Chris. This was clearly a plot device YOU set up to try and stay relevant.
48. Well this has all been very dramatic, but let’s not forget that The Bachelorette lied to us tonight about what would have been the event of the year and I may never be able to forgive.
49. NEVER FORGET