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A Timely Ranking Of All Of The Spice Girls Music Videos That Matter

A Timely Ranking Of All Of The Spice Girls Music Videos That Matter

Hi just wanted to share with you what I have been doing, alone in my apartment, for the last few hours. I'm doing great, and staying current, and keeping you in the loop. So, without further ado, here are the top 10 Spice Girls Music Videos Of All Time. I left out the dumb new ones. You're welcome.

10. Spice Up Your Life 

This is one of the worst takes on musical science fiction ever. It’s supposed to be based on Blade Runner. I am not sure who heard the latin flavors of Spice Up Your Life and was like, 'this reminds me of dystopian robots,’ but that person was stupid. And I know this isn’t the VIDEO per say, but the line about ‘yellow man in Timbuktu’ has always been confusing. Is this supposed to be a racist reference about a city they think is in Asia but is actually in West Africa? 


9. Pepsi Ad 

What the dick is this?? How did this ad spot become a FULL SONG on the album? Shouldn’t they have to issue a disclaimer about subliminal messaging or something?


8. Viva Forever

The Spice Girls are not in this video. Some weird stop motion fairy version of the Spice Girls are in this video. Did this video come out after the Spice Girls broke up? The Viva Forever Wikipedia page says the video was commissioned “months” before Geri left the band. It also says that the song is considered their “best work”. Wikipedia is spewing some real bullshit today.


7. Stop 

The choreography is lazy and the girls look hungover and that child is WAY TOO BIG to be riding in the basket on the front of an old man’s bicycle. 


6. Mama 

This is a dumb song, but the video concept is appropriate and the girls were all REALLY cute as babies. But don’t think I don’t see through their plot to hire a bunch of child look-alikes for that scene of the Spice Girls practicing their dance routines as small children. These girls met as ADULTS. I read their official biography ok.


5. 2 Become 1 

Did you know this video opens on a shot of the Twin Towers? I guess the plot is about a group of girls on a sexual rampage in pre-9/11 New York. They all give up on their sex dates and become friends with each other and then Scary Spice turns into a deer. I’m not kidding, the closing shot is of a spotted deer alone in Times Square in the spot that Mel B. stood for most of the video. I think for the 90s this was probably pretty artsy. 


4. Too Much 

Another tribute to retro cinema, but this time with cat ears and psychedelic cuts that take you on a real ride. Most of these strange cuts are fantastic. Some of them are to scenes of Spice World The Movie, less fantastic. Some genius art director I guess ran out of money and was just like, fill in the rest with shots from the movie. Points docked for a brief instance of Katy Perry-style cultural appropriation when Mel C. dresses up in some kind of vague ‘asian’ attire and sits in a room full of kung-fu fighters. This is a great song and Ginger makes a great Marilyn. 


3. Wannabe 

This is the video everyone remembers and references, but let’s be real, it’s pretty amateurish. I cannot in my good conscience rank this any lower because of its iconography, but know that I REALLY hate the 50 second non-musical intro. 


2. Who Do You Think You Are 

THIS IS SO GOOD AND WEIRD. And would make a great party theme. I want to hang out with 1996 Spice Girls. 


1. Say You’ll Be There 

This is a masterpiece and one of the great music videos of the 90s. They are at some kind of desert disco throwing ninja stars at vases and torturing some poor gayman in tight leather pants. This is flawless logic and should be a model for every video in 2017 thank you. 

Cody John, Live From Soho House

Cody John, Live From Soho House

Lee's A Flamingo

Lee's A Flamingo