hi ho

FORGET RACHEL Here's Copper The Dog

FORGET RACHEL Here's Copper The Dog

Happy Bachelorette Premiere to US ALL. Here is hoping that Rachel is at least less of a full dud than JoJo, who gave us the dullest season of reality TV I have ever seen and yes, I watch River Monsters. 

For those of you who haven’t had the chance to pour through the cast bios posted to abc.com, I can sum up for you quickly:

Dwayne The Rock Johnson mentions: 3
Will Smith mentions: 3
Specifically, Pursuit of Happyness shout outs: 2
Threesome mentions: 3
Threesome mentions immediately followed talk of contestant's young daughter: 1
Hints of transphobia: 2
People who, in the year 2017, say they cannot stand the Situation from 2010’s Jersey Shore: 2
Denzel vs. Matthew McConaughey: Denzel, with 3 name drops to MM’s 2. 

So basically, our usual crop of dummies with serial killer eyes. But this time with the tiniest bit more racial diversity! Woo Trump’s America! 

Anyway, here’s our show: 

1. Here we go again. I cannot believe Chris Harrison still has a job. 

2. Rachel’s dog has a broken leg and he is perfect and he is already the winner of this season of the Bachelorette. 

Heeeeere's Copper!!!!!! 

Heeeeere's Copper!!!!!! 

3. No but really, is bringing a dog along always an option? Do we get to hang out with Copper all summer? This could be a game changer for me.

4. Kenny is a star. Kenny should win and spend the rest of his life doing weird wrestling sex moves with Rachel. He seems to love a jump-straddle. 

5. So does his 10 year old daughter. I deeply regret turning that into a sex thing. Ick ick ick. 

6. Jack Stone is a lawyer from Dallas. He also gets to use his full name, which is confusing, and weird. Have there been too many Jacks in Bachelorette history? Did he stipulate in his contract that he must be referred to by full name?

7. Dog update: Jack Stone has an incredible dog. If he marries Rachel, they can stay in Dallas and be the city’s premier law + dog family. 

8. Lucas is from Woodside, California. You know who else is from Woodside, California? THIS girl. I can tell you, from years of experience, no one in Woodside, California speaks like this much of a possessed demon, and NO ONE plays rugby. Some people wear t-shirts with their own faces on them though, that is fairly common. 

9. White Luke is billed as “aspiring drummer” but it seems like he should really be billed as “sex maniac” or “muscle beach-frequenter.” Compared to his love of banging and pull-ups, drumming seems like a total afterthought. Get it together, Bachelorette Producers. 

10. Dog update: Diggy has a beautiful pitbull. It is very handsome and calm and would probably be a good energy match for Copper, who, you may recall, is a cripple and probably can’t run around much. 

11. Corinne is back and I am so happy. Her hair looks yellow-er, and more corn-like than ever. She isn’t allowed to say anything intelligible or interesting, but it is good to know she is still thriving. (But who are we kidding, we all follow her on Instagram and know her new life making club appearances 6 nights a week in LA is going swimmingly). 

12. How did plastic surgery Astrid make it into this forced group of lady-friendship? I don’t buy it.

13. “See you later, litigator” is the line of the night thank you

14. Everything about this night so far is reaffirming what we already knew, which is that Jojo is garbage and never deserved this franchise. Rachel hasn’t even made out with anyone yet, which makes me think she might be a vaguely interesting human.

15. Rob is wearing glasses. He is not wearing glasses in his ABC official headshot. I think he put on glasses so he would look smarter.  But they make him look uglier. Bad move, Rob.

16. Rachel loves bad jokes more than anyone has ever loved anything on the Bachelorette. 

17. I am on DeMario’s Instagram and his first picture was posted on April 28th. DeMario’s social media presence is a sham. It’s 2017, no one in Los Angeles isn’t on Instagram in 2017, SOMETHING ISN’T ADDING UP. 

18. The other guys are really taken by sex-addict Blake’s marching band entrance. Marching bands are cool amongst bros in 2017. It reminds them of their glory days, when they were the star football player on their mostly white high school’s team, under 5’10” division.

19. Fred is a STONE COLD CREEP. To be clear, the only thing weirder than shopping for a wife on national television, is SHOPPING FOR ONE IN YOUR GRADE SCHOOL YEARBOOK. 

20. No points to Rachel for responding, “He was a very bad kid” with maniacal glee.

21. I thought Adam’s doll was going to be a dummy and he was deep into ventriloquism. But… it’s just a normal doll, which I think is somehow worse?

This night is going great.

This night is going great.

22. Michael brought a brownie to his entrance, but he did not offer any to Rachel. Shame on your, Michael. Share your brownies.

23. Kenny has sold me on the doll. Kenny is a dad, and has a soft spot for weird childish indulgences, and now I do too. 

24 Hot take: 31 is TOO MANY GUYS 

25. At least this season they have vaguely different haircuts. Vaguely. 

26. People keep calling Lucas the “whabam” guy. Can’t believe they would disrespect Lucas like that. It’s “Whaboom.” 

27. Note Rachel’s surprise when the nondescript white guy in the grey jacket tells her he still lives in Wisconsin. That is because he is the only person in this season who has not relocated to Los Angeles in the last year to pursue fame and fortune. Nondescript white guy in the grey jacket, you don’t belong here.

28. Sex Addict Blake said he was from Venice, CA but he is now billed as a Marina Del Rey boy. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE. Sex addicts from Marina Del Rey are just a whole class creepier. 

29. “Are you the big dog? Do you need to eat?” is something that Rachel said to Lucas. It could be good, to be able to communicate to your dog and your boyfriend with the same set of phrases.

30. Putting up the words “Aspiring Drummer” on the screen just as sex addict Blake is telling camera that “Lucas is a clown” is one of the top Bachelor Post Production Burns in recent memory. 

31. Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, or, as he shall henceforth be known, King of Pretty Boys and Pitt Bulls.

32. Old Ass Bryan gets the first impression rose. He has the oldest ass here and he loves to kiss. He kisses weird. And loudly. I am not on board with this.

33. Four out of Rachel’s top Five are whites. Rachel loves whites? 

34. My top pick, young Anthony, squeaks by. But it has just occurred to me that he maybe hasn’t been in this episode before receiving a rose. He is a Fulbright scholar. He deserves way more. 

35. Dog update: I need a dog update. Who is watching Rachel’s cripple dog while she is pulling this all nighter with the 31 squarest jaws in these United States? 

36. For my money, anyone who gets picked after Brady the white male model can be considered garbage from here on out. Sorry Josiah. You should get a dog. 

37. How is Rachel going to pick Sex Addict Blake and not Marine Blake? YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE WRONG BLAKE, YOU IDIOT. 

38. Does anyone know Marine Blake? I am willing to travel to San Francisco. 

39. The last rose goes to Whaboom, because Sex Addict Blake needs someone to quarrel with for another week or two. 

40. A next morning champagne toast is so bleak. 

41. This season on the Bachelor, Rachel stands on a lot of balconies while the wind sweeps her fur stole behind her. Plus, more dogs, this time of the sled pulling variety.

42. Marine Blake for The Bachelor Season 22.

Ashton's Big Come Back

Ashton's Big Come Back

Please, Somebody, Buy Me This Useless Water Bottle

Please, Somebody, Buy Me This Useless Water Bottle