A Pacifist, A Racist, and Jack Stone Walk Into A Bar
1. Like first off, let’s not pretend that this Bachelorette Two Night Event is a Two Night Event because there is Two Nights Worth Of Drama. There was a basketball game two weeks ago that postponed an episode. We are all gonna have to chill.
2. We’re still in South Carolina, which is great, because if we’re going to have to have more racist ass drama, it better be in the racist ass south.
3. Meanwhile, in a docked sailboat somewhere, creepy Bryan is wearing a red sweater and talking about how he hates drama. Of course you hate drama, Bryan. You’re a thousand years old. You have aged out of your capacity for drama. You shouldn’t be on a television show, you should be at home complaining about how late kids stay up these days.
4. Bryan has no personality. His only personality trait is that he’s committed to commitment. And that he makes loud sucking noises when he kisses. I see right through you Bryan.
5. Kenny and Resident White Supremacist Lee go outside for a confrontation, but since Kenny isn’t allowed to use the word ‘racist’ he uses the word ‘snake-y.’ ‘Bye Snake-y,” he says. These are the kind of euphemisms that make me know that Kenny is a good parent.
6. Fuck me, this rose is gonna go to Creepy Boat Guy Bryan. How are you going to burn the real contenders, Man Bun Alex, Boring Peter, Silent Anthony, and Good Will for Creepy Boat Guy Bryan, Rachel? This episode is not off to a strong start.
7. Man, we gotta deal with a full on Jack Stone one on one before we get to the end of this shitty Resident White Supremacist Lee arc.
8. I hope this date is able to shed some light on whether Jack Stone is a serial killer or only a full idiot.
9. Jack Stone sits in a horse drawn carriage explaining, with no humor, that he likes jokes. Does he make jokes? Nah. Does he know a joke when he hears one? We’ll find out! (We actually won’t.) Rachel is big time regretting this decision.
10. Why are his eyes so shifty? Why can’t he make an intelligible sentence? Why does his hair look so wet?
11. We seem to be gunning for the all time shortest one-on-one edit. This one is clocking in at 4 minutes before the dinner.
12. Resident White Supremacist Lee accuses Kenny of “Playing The Race Card.” Will tries to calmly explain that he is ignorant of Kenny’s experience as every single racist in America gets a free pass. Congratulations, racists. 2017 is your year.
13. Back to Jack Stone. This episode blows.
14. Rach, I’m giving you 4 seconds to send this guy home or I am gonna have to leave my room and go back to being social. Ugh.
15. Did you miss that?? Jack said if he could do anything with Rachel, he’d put her in a room and lock the door. Definite serial killer. 100%.
16. Rachel is doing another dumping while holding a rose in her hand. She loves this date rose fake out. It is her signature move. She might be a secret mean girl.
17. Goodbye Jack Stone and your very cute labradoodle. Based on Instagram I have a feeling you’re banging Alexis the Dolphin Girl and are probably much more in your element (intelligence-wise, etc).
18. It is the next morning in Hilton Head and Rachel’s fake eyelashes have somehow gotten more voluminous. She must have the strongest eyelids in the entire world.
19. I cannot believe that this is the same season of TV that brought us BarkFest 2017 and The Great Blimp Date. This is some Ben Higgins grade bland mush.
20. I also cannot believe that the Resident White Supremacist is going to make it through another rose ceremony. We get it, ABC. You love a good morally bankrupt pander.
21. If fucking Iggy and the Tickle Monster don't go home. I swear to God.
22. Oh, look at that. Fucking Iggy and the Tickle Monster go home. But not without one last tickle. And a third person reference to “The Tickle Monster.”
23. They’re going to NORWAY? Weren’t they just in Finland for Nick’s season? Is Rachel not so sick of the Nordic? And being cold?
24. If the producers know what’s good for them, they will have a date with the full teenage cast of Skam.
25. A ONE ON ONE WITH CREEPY BRYAN ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Can they not have one person I care about on this episode?
26. This dude Bryan reminds me of the one friend you have in college who has been in a long distance relationship for like, 8 years.
27. There is this concept in basic psychology about misattribution of emotion. You think you’re falling in love, but you’re really just confusing that feeling with being very, very scared. Now Rachel is dangling off some dumb ski jump in Norway and she is going to be in love with Creepy Bryan because she is afraid of heights. Not chill, the human brain. He’s never had a girlfriend who lives in his zip code (probably).
28. Our favorite Dule Hill impersonator Eric makes Silent Anthony smirk (silently) when he says maybe Rachel doesn’t date brothers. Silent Anthony disagrees, because everyone is an individual and race doesn’t matter, and also he has already had a date. Dule is like “But…” and then shuts up because he realizes he has accidentally just used up the episode’s one allotted race related conversation and it wasn’t even on Racist Lee. Fuck.
29. I’m not going to acknowledge this Creepy Bryan date any further. He is bragging about how skinny he is and how much attention he gets from girls. This is bad TV. I am so bored. Plus, he’s not cute.
30. The Bachelorette producers think they’re throwing the dudes a curve ball by making them wear onesies and play the European sport of handball. The joke is on them. Every single one of these men is a personal trainer. Even the ones that say they’re a business owner. I am looking at you, Peter.
31. The Resident White Supremacist lifts weights in his cowboy boots. Because, of course.
32. Josiah is too smooth. He has been rehearsing lines in the mirror. Rachel calls him out on this, in her first dope move in like two episodes. Dope Rachel, I miss you so much. Please come back to us.
33. Give Will everything.
35. As far as picturesque international cities go, Oslo may not be at the top. I might rather vacation in the alligator infested Hilton Head.
36. Lee is excited to be in the home of the Vikings, because nothing says White Supremacy like a bunch of old time-y white dudes named Erik and Leif rowing around and spearing every encountered stranger to death.
37. And I guess this episode will conclude with the Resident White Supremacist and the Pacifist Wrestler calmly calling each other liars in the arctic. That’s it. No drama. That’s two hours of my life down the drain. Thanks for nothing, Racist Lee.
38. Did… Chris Harrison make one appearance this episode? Bro.