hi ho

True Love Always Involves Blimps

True Love Always Involves Blimps

Fuck This Franchise.

In case you are living under a Bachelor-Proof ROCK, the universe’s biggest bag of two-timing garbage DeMario straight up R-ed the light of my life Corinne while filming Bachelor in Paradise two weeks ago. ABC hired ABC to investigate ABC in the matter and found ABC not guilty of creating an environment which may condone unconsensual sex. Because hey, despite the fact that ABC has created an entire television series where producers force girls to get black out drunk so that men can take advantage of them, female contestants who agree to show up to paradise are all sluts who are asking for it. Right? 

But, well, fuck it. I’m in Indonesia again and the internet here has improved vastly in 2017. It only took 30 minutes to download this episode and I assume that is a sign from the gods that it is ok to watch Rachel’s The Bachelorette, at least this week.

1. Can anyone even remember this Eric drama from 2 weeks ago? Let me tell you these mid-week cliff hangers do NOT work if ABC is gonna take weeks off for basketball.

2. Well, seems like we’re picking up in Week 4 in the midst of some kind of race war, where Lee the Resident White Supremacist is doing his best to take down every black man on this show. One by one. 

3. Dean saying, “I just think Lee’s kind of a bitch?” to camera with a tiny shrug is the most adorable thing a man has done on this series to date. Also, unclear if Dean is into women. 

4. Back on the green couch, the remaining whites have a thinly veiled discussion about whether or not Lee is a racist, without actually mentioning race since ABC seems to have some kind of quota for the number of times we can acknowledge that Rachel is black per episode. One white man who I cannot distinguish says that we have to excuse Lee because he is from the South. Dean, our homosexual hero, says that it is unacceptable. Jack Stone repeats the word “quirks” enough times in a row that I am worried he is having a stroke of some kind. This is thrilling TV.

5. I hope that this scene ends with Wrestler Kenny throwing Resident White Supremacist Lee onto the ground like a loser in the staged sport of wrestling.

6. I just rewound to watch the nondescript white man who may be a male model named Brady’s slow-motion realization that Lee is definitely a bigot. Can we get that one again?

7. Now lets read between the lines here. Between Dean’s Anti-Racist Snark, Kenny’s Rose, and Rachel’s Melt Down, someone definitely tipped off Rachel that Lee is a sack of hateful shit. She gives him a rose anyway, because what would ABC’s The Bachelor Franchise be, if not a safe harbor for racists and rapists.

8. Whelp, that is that. Bryce the firefighter with the squarest face in America goes home. The nondescript white man who may be a male model named Brady goes home. And poor, poor Diggy in his rainbow bow-tie goes home so that the Klan’s Top Troubadour can continue on his journey of spreading the gospel of Alex Jones’ America on national TV.

9. On the bright side, Dean lives in Venice, so I assume Dean and I will soon be inseparable pals. 

10. Anyway, time to cut to South Carolina, where there are alligators and turtles hanging around in a swamp, I guess. We see Rachel standing on the bow of a sailboat, looking into the wind, wearing the world’s longest fake eyelashes. There isn’t a Real Housewife in the world who holds a candle to the inches long poly-nylon blend contraption sticking out of Rachel’s face. I hope I’m really painting a picture here.

11. Jack Stone has serious serial killer vibes.

12. Mute Anthony reads the date card, giving him his first line this episode. Dean is going on a one-on-one and Jack Stone will probably serial kill him soon. 

13. I’ll date Dean. I don’t even care that he’s probably gay.

14. The producers pack a romantic picnic for Rachel and Dean, but they forget to pack any food. So the two of them just get champagne drunk on the hood of a car that is parked in the middle of a swamp. Cool date, producers.

15. Wait, now there is a Blimp coming to scoop these two love birds up. This is an exciting date for me, because I have never seen a blimp land before. It’s cute that the blimp pilots wear uniforms like they’re real pilots. They’re not. Even Dean can do their job.

16. Guys I am NOT a sucker for one-on-ones but this date is really doing it for me. I might be in love with Gay Dean? 

17. No joke: Dean’s white jeans are tighter on his body than my white jeans are on mine.

18. Oh, guys, Dean’s Instagram profile classifies him as a ‘Fictional Character.’ I am all in. 

19. Some guy named Russell Dickerson sings a song I don’t care about and Rachel has to pretend to like country music for several consecutive minutes. Yuck. Though to be honest, I do picture South Carolina as a place where spontaneous pop up country concerts happen all of the time.

20. On the way to the group date, the men pass a boat called “Water We Doing,” which ABC feels is a strong enough pun to linger on for several seconds.

21. Because The Bachelor is in a constant competition with itself to create the world’s worst date, Chris Harrison throws a fun spelling bee for the guys to participate in. Eric and Lee are mad, because they are dummies. Anthony is fine, because he reads Murakami and is slowly learning how to speak out loud. Josiah is very drunk. 

22. You know, Chris Harrison is really making an effort to pull his weight this season. This is his third scene in one episode. Good for you, C.

23. Peter calls Anthony a ‘secret genius’ because he can spell the word Schmuck. Full disclosure, I just misspelled spell as smell. But maybe Anthony is the kind of secret genius who can smell the word Schmuck as well. 

24. Anthony’s silent condescension is the best part of this date. He shakes his head sadly as Eric butchers the word facade. 

25. In any other situation, the other contestants would gang up on Anthony for being too smart and feeling superior. But Anthony remains fully silent, and only Peter knows about his secret intelligence.

26. The moral of this date is that White Men Can’t Spell.

27. This game is rigged in Josiah’s favor. I’m out. 

28. Remember how great Alex was last week? I wonder if we’ll ever see him do anything again. Besides, of course, wear his hair in a man bun in several establishing shots.

29. Now we’re back to our Resident White Supremacist antic’s and honestly I’m pretty bored of it post-Dean Date + Spelling Bee. There are 9 minutes left in this episode, I’m hoping he gets punched before there are 8 minutes left in this episode and we can spend the remaining seconds on Jack Stone’s entire date, since you know that won’t be interesting either.

Portrait of a young racist with dumb hair

Portrait of a young racist with dumb hair

30. WHICH FUCKING PRODUCER TOLD KENNY HE WASN’T ALLOWED TO USE THE R WORD IN FRONT OF RACHEL? This dance around is exhausting. Like, we get it, you don’t want to risk alienating your racist viewers, but I don’t think they deserve television, so just do it. 

31. I cannot believe that ABC is going to resolve this whole LEE IS A FUCKING RACIST thing in a 2-on-1 date with Kenny.

32. Except, of course I can. 

33. Looks like we ran out of time for Jack Stone. Not sorry.

A Pacifist, A Racist, and Jack Stone Walk Into A Bar

A Pacifist, A Racist, and Jack Stone Walk Into A Bar

The Former President For Life Of Turkmenistan Is My New Favorite Dictator

The Former President For Life Of Turkmenistan Is My New Favorite Dictator