Arkansas Katy Perry Remains Unfazed: The Finale
1. Fuck everything, but especially whatever ABC exec decided they weren’t going to put this episode on iTunes until last night. HOW IS A GIRL SUPPOSED TO WATCH THE BACHELOR FROM THE BAHAMAS
2. In other news, I am working a job in the Bahamas this week on the same island Ben Higgins went to last season. Our driver worked on the show while they were here. His main take away is that Olivia “is so crazy.”
3. Vanessa has the clumpiest mascara I have ever seen.
4. Seriously if every episode next year is 3 hours long, I am out.
5. Santa Claus doesn’t live below the arctic circle, Nick. He lives in the north pole. Presumably on some floating ice burg since there is no landmass up there.
6. Nick’s family could not look more pissed to be in Finland. Wisconsin is cold enough this time of year thank you
7. And they’re as surprised as the rest of us that Arkansas Katy Perry is still here
8. Nick’s family sees a ‘maturity’ in Arkansas Katy Perry that they did not know was there before. I guess they haven’t seen the post-orgasm montage yet.
9. Vanessa is 100% more poised and has 100% more hoop earrings than Arkansas Katy Perry does. But Nick’s family still hates her.
10. Vanessa is being so pragmatic that she made Nick’s dad cry
11. Where the hell are they staying? The Motel 6 in northern Finland? Why is the decor so janky ?
12. Why is Chris Harrison so involved in this telecast?
13. And why do all of these girls in the live audience hate Arkansas Katy Perry so much?? Is it because she’s a robot? Is her hair too long?
14. Unless Nick has dumped Vanessa to propose to a Finnish reindeer, there is no way this After The Final Rose is as exciting as CH says it is
15. Santa is just lurking behind the trees in Finland? Is he on Spring Break?
16. A weird creepy man dressed as either Santa or Festive Albus Dumbledore beckons Vanessa and Nick into a fire-lit dark room, like some kind of Finnish tarot card reader. Vanessa is way into it.
17. Oh my God I am so bored
18. But why does she WANT to get engaged to him? Has she never met a decently nice human male before? I mean, me neither I guess. Never mind, girl, do what you have to.
19. Nick walked into the woods and came back with puppies. This is the most likably Nick has ever been. I hope Arkansas Katy Perry gets to keep these puppies as a consolation prize when she definitely loses this show in a half hour.
20. I really love puppies.
21. Nick gives a long pre-break up speech. I know this speech, I have heard this speech. Next he will say “I love you, but…” He is taking all of the fun out of this.
22. I have to say, I am watching this 2 days delayed and I did not see ANYONE tweet or talk about this huge finale moment. You are lying to me, Chris.
23. Does Neil Lane feel dirty getting involved in all of these scam relationships?
24. Vanessa has become a real vixen overnight. Look at that sequin dress. Could this be the work of… a professional stylist?
25. Should Raven know by Chris Harrison’s somber tone that she is done?
26. I miss Corinne.
27. For a guy that didn’t want to do rose ceremonies because they were too mean… he is reaaaaally dragging out this break up.
28. Poor Arkansas Katy Perry. I hope she finds an Arkansas Orlando Bloom to rebound with.
29. We come back to Nick as he is standing in the middle of some kind of reindeer petting zoo.
30. WHERE ARE VANESSA’S LUCKY HOOPS??
31. Do most guys cry this much when they propose? Can someone clue me in?
32. Vanessa loud kisses Nick while he rests his hands on her be-sequened ass. A true love story indeed.
33. A female sleigh driver!! What a beautiful gender equal country this is. Finland forever.
34. And now I guess I will watch this after the final rose bullshit, even though we all know when Chris says “most shocking moment in bachelor history” he means “scripted snooze.”
35. It’s good to know Nick didn’t get around to shaving his beard these last 4 months.
36. Arkansas Katy Perry has gotten a style upgrade since the fall, but not a blonde bob and disco pantsuit to match real Katy Perry.
37. She has enough make up on for at least 6 international pop stars though.
38. AKP is going to Paradise. Can’t wait for her to sweep up Rachel’s sloppy seconds
39. Update: Vanessa is still very boring.
40. Give Rachel her own talk show, political office, whatever she wants.
41. Bachelorette contestant #2 Blake seems really strange. Just saying.
42. Ok this is too boring, I’m gonna turn it off. This is NOT the high I’d like this three hour special to end on. Do better, Bachelor.
43. Goodbye forever, Nick Viall. Or until Monday night, for those of us who have to keep up with Dancing With The Stars. Or every Wednesday on every tabloid cover for the rest of time while he + Vanessa milk this TV season for all it’s worth.
44. Twins premieres Monday!! Remember them?