No One Will Outshine Chris Harrison Today, Dammit
1. Arkansas Katy Perry opens our week with, “Nick is really good at what he does.” But I refuse to believe that what he does is “give women orgasms,” Raven’s post-coital happiness montage aside. Maybe they just spent the night watching him try on turtleneck sweaters?
2. BY THE WAY how much extra cash was dropped shooting this AKP montage? Was it scripted?
3. I went cross country skiing yesterday for the third time in my adult life. It is not hard. I am not sure what’s going on here.
4. Also I think they just went about 12 feet on those skis
5. Wait this date with Rachel is going SO well. How is she not going to win? Nick is blowing it with EVERYONE.
6. Who knew that the northern tip of Finland was home to so many modern minimalist cabins? Plus the world’s entire reindeer population? I’m still not ready to book my trip.
7. The bulk of Rachel and Nick’s date was just sitting in the living room of their fantasy suite. I do feel like she has been regularly shafted with the “just hanging out” dates.
8. Now that I am 20 minutes into this three hour television event I can definitively say, three hours is too many.
9. Rachel did pack a winning penguin onesie in her Finland overnight bag. For that, she deserves something big. Nick, you are messing up big time.
10. Wouldn’t it be cool if Vanessa dumps Nick on After The Final Rose next week and then he applies to be a contestant in Rachel’s season of the Bachelorette?
11. Every girl has done this same jump and straddle move to Nick, every single time they see him. I’m now wondering if I should start doing this to every boy I go on a date with.
12. Which, I guess, would mean I would continue to never do the jump/straddle. (I’m FINE you guys, really.)
13. Oh so their date is at the same weird hotel as Rachel’s date? I see you, Lapland Safaris.
14. There is probably only one hotel in the entire Northern Finland anyway.
15. Cool skin tight spandex swim shorts, Nick. Fits right into your aesthetic. Can’t wait to see you pair those with a chunky knit.
16. Nothing says getting ready for sex like sticking your dinger in an ice bath three times. Good date, Nick. Good date.
17. Contrary to Nick’s claims, making it through a 10 second ice bath is NOT the same as making it through ‘tough times’ in your relationship. Trust me, I am an ice bath master.
18. Oh, good, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a classic Bachelor hot tub situation. I wonder if “two hot tubs, maximum” was in Nick’s contract this season.
19. Vanessa + Nick's bathing suits match each other and the interior of the hot tub.
20. The Vanessa of it all is such a mixed bag. On one hand she is such a bore and I can’t stand it. On the other, maybe we should consider ourselves lucky that this girl is the only truly dull thing we’ve been subjected to this season?
21. I miss Corinne.
22. In the age of Trump, Nick is too proud of being an American to move to Canada. Buddy! You have a way out!
23. I’m worried about Vanessa as a human, thinking that Nick is the perfect person. She needs a feminist pep talk from Corinne.
24. So when Vanessa applied to be on the Bachelor, did she think maybe this was the year that the Bachelor was from Montreal and it would be cool if she just stayed at home instead of move to LA like everyone else whose ever been on the show?
25. I still suspect that Vanessa doesn’t know she’s on a TV show at all.
26. Ok, now let’s see who looks the cutest in their rose ceremony parka. The answer is Rachel. Rachel looks great.
27. Chris Harrison made it to Finland for about 20 seconds of screen time in a peacoat. I heard the SVP of alternate programming of ABC say this week on a podcast that Chris Harrison is pissed about how little screen time he has these days. That makes me like Chris Harrison a lot more.
28. Nick and Vanessa are both crying, presumably for no reason other than to annoy me personally. Maybe they deserve each other.
29. Raven is BREEZING THROUGH THIS COMPETITION. Which is crazy because she seems to be the one who is the least aware of the whole situation.
30. We all knew Rachel had to go home this week but Jesus does she look good. Nick, you sent Corinne and Rachel home back to back weeks, YOU ARE NOT WELL.
31. Our episode finishes with a shot of cool Finnish lamps. I’d like those lamps. I haven’t been sold on a vacation to the North Pole, but I may have been sold on some oil lamps.
32. Finally, Chris Harrison’s chance to shine, here at the Women Tell All, where a handful of white women were pulled out of the local Red Lobster in their weeknight finest to come cheer on women in what I think might be the Deal or No Deal studio.
33. Women Tell All is Chris Harrison’s time to shine. He has not had the turn he deserves this season as the star of the franchise. To remind everyone, he will now take us on a 10 minute tour through homes of various women who are unhinged and weirdly obsessed with him.
34. Oh, I’m really worried for these women at this first Bachelor party Nick + Chris are crashing. The framed topless photos of Nick on the mantle?
35. The Backstreet Boys are back!! Twice in a season! I’m starting to think that maybe they are the most relevant band of 2017.
36. Nick looks really in his element in a sorority house full of teens. Which is good, because when his engagement to Vanessa inevitably fails, and he has run out of ABC reality shows to star in, he will probably live out the rest of his days in mild notoriety in a house on the UCLA sorority row.
37. Erm… remind me who Elizabeth is?
38. Now I will judge every girl based on who attacks Corinne and who defends her. Good book: Lacey (?), Josephine (and INSANE black lipstick), Jasmine, that is it.
39. I am loving these Josephine reaction cutaways. She likes everything I like. Corinne and Not-Liz.
40. Taylor mouthing along to her own Bachelor clips is bone chilling.
41. I had a theory that Girls Tell All was just a boring way to redeem all of the bad-edits-girls but after this Taylor segment I clearly was very wrong
42. Oh my God there’s still another 75 minutes left in this?
43. Jasmine is really using this opportunity to become the dominant presence she tried to be the whole show. Good for Jasmine. Whitney is also trying, but failing. Nobody cares about Whitney.
44. I am pro-Jasmine now.
45. So bored so bored so bored
46. I love this montage of girls freaking out about bugs. Girls are so foolish and silly. Bugs are gross. All is well.
47. Danielle L. is decidedly not excited for Rachel. Danielle L. is the real villain of this season. Missed opportunity.
48. This time next year Nick Viall is going to be hosting the Women Tell All. Watch your throne, Chris.
Whatever, I need a nap.