hi ho

Week 5: If You Strike Me Down, I Shall Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine

1. Jesus, guys, if you only knew what I went through to get this episode of The Bachelorette in Sumba, Indonesia. 

2. It really wasn’t terrible. $1.99 and a 48+ hour download. But like, not nothing.

3. OK FIRST THING FIRST did we all see that Freeform has picked up a reality show about Ben Higgins + His Premiere Blonde (Jen? Lauren? Kelly?)?? Are we sooo excited to watch the two most nondescript humans in reality TV history to make a life together? God I hope they have a messy public break up.

4. Could we also arrange a Freeform spin off for Chadbear and maybe Lace? Lacebear? Or is that just what Bachelor in Paradise is going to be?

5. So, where were we. Chadbear is a national hero. Chadbear was kicked off the show. Chadbear is still somehow lurking in the woods n Pennsylvania near and around the house everyone else is staying in. 

6. The guys think Chadbear is gone so they are all washing themselves with his protein powder… it’s not at all weird how obsessed with Chadbear these other adult humans are. And the joke is on them because we know Chadbear is circling, whistling, like a homicidal  maniac. Never change.

7. I will purchase every remaining episode of this season in HD on iTunes if Chadbear has come back to the house to reclaim his protein powder. 

8. Goddammit one of the male idiots just made that exact joke and I am no longer better than them.

9. Chadbear makes a long anticipated, dramatic entrance only to say a bunch of reasonable stuff over menacing music. Chadbear leaves rather anti-climactically. Chadbear is better than this. Chadbear is currently laughing this off at home while banging one of the other contestant’s ex girlfriends (no really)

10. RIP Chadbear

11. I am almost positive that football wound is face painted onto James Taylor’s eye. It is slightly too dramatic and also changes places a little every time the camera lands on him. 

12. In a post Chadbear world the remaining contestants are now free to talk about whatever they want… which seems to only be Chad. From here on out, every man will be ranked on the scale of honest to Chadbear. What was it Ramsay Bolton said this week? “You can’t kill me, I’m a part of you now.” 

13. Now I’m really into Chadbear as the Ramsay Bolton of The Bachelorette.

14. We have to face the real problem: without a common enemy (RIP Chadbear) all of the eligible idiots have to turn on each other. Every idiot automatically slides up the Chadbear scale, by virtue of having no self awareness about this situation. 

15. JoJo does what JoJo does, makes out and cries. JoJo makes loud sucking noise when making out with Jordan. JoJo cries when a different guy named James reads her the world’s worst poem. 

16. No really, who the shit is James F? 

17. Establishing shot reminds us that we are still in Pennsylvania. Remember the time The Bachelorette traveled to the least interesting place in the world?

18. Whoa Backstreet Boy Haircut is wearing a yellow shirt/blue tie/grey jacket and YIKES. Has a hair cut from 1998 and an outfit from, I don’t know, some disgusting mobster bar in the tacky part of the 70s?

19. Wait, and who is Derek? These semi-conscious aryans all look the same to me. I NEED SOME DEFINING CHARACTERISTICS HERE, PEOPLE. 

20. Backstreet Boy Hair Cut is named Vinny. He got a rose which is a huge burn on anyone who doesn’t move on. Sorry, James F.

21. James F., we hardly knew ya. But at least you got your shining moment in the sun, your shitty poem that you wrote ‘a few weeks ago’ (before you met JoJo??)

22. The Canadian goes home too, but without Chadbear he was a sidekick to no one so, whatever. Evan, your time will be up soon too. Without Chadbear you are nothing.

23. James Taylor is excited to go to Uruguay even though he doesn’t ‘even know what that is.’ This guy is definitely on JoJo’s intellectual wavelength, if nothing else.

24. Here’s what I know about Uruguay: It’s currently winter there. The weather will definitely be shitty. At least the show will get their off-season discount.

25. I’d like to let you all know now that even when you buy the Bachelorette on iTunes you still get the commercial break teases, which is really the good stuff. It makes it even more obvious how boring the actual show is compared to its action packed potential. 

26. Uruguay so far kind of looks like a slightly sunnier San Francisco, if San Francisco’s buildings were falling apart and also no one lived there.

27. Evan claims that from the fancy hotel room they have a “360 degree view of the ocean.” Evan does not know what 360 degrees means. Would you trust him with your limp dick??

28. All the other guys are rating Jordan higher and higher on the Chadbear scale. Uh oh Jordan, the boys are comin' for ya. 

29. The GUYS dig up the world’s most reputable publication, In Touch Magazine, and read that JoJo is still banging her ex (ALSO NAMED CHAD). Now they’re mad at JoJo, which is fine, because Jordan and JoJo’s one on one is so boring that honestly stir up as much house drama as humanly possible so I don’t have to watch these two face sucking robots try and make intelligible conversation between spit swaps. 

30. Ex-Chad’s drama is much more boring than Chadbear drama. I don’t care about Ex-Chad. I don’t care about JoJo waterworks.  Also, JoJo is crying again.

31. Jordan and his identical twin Robby (I mean, right?) go to the man spa together. This is a good opportunity to see close up shots of toe nails and see how at home the popular guys are in a good bath robe. I wish we could watch this for the next ten minutes instead of that dumb sand surfing group date.

32. A giant thunderstorm breaks out over beautiful winter Uruguay. A million American housewives just booked their tickets south. 

33. I will probably never go to Uruguay just based on this single episode of television. 

34. My mom is now watching over my shoulder and this feels a lot weirder. Hey mom. 

35. JoJo found a puppy! She loves dogs. Even stray dogs. On that note, Robby is basically a stray puppy. But one that Jordan found and fixed up at the puppy spa earlier. Robbydog latches on to his human JoJo and loves her now. He would like to play fetch and drool on her feet and maybe run after her up and down some beach rocks for a while. He would definitely like to say “I love you” before this date is over. 

36. “The streets are so full of culture” should just go right on the front cover of the Uruguay Tourism Pamphlet that I’m sure will be sent to us any day now. 

37. Robbydog pretends he speaks Spanish by saying things like “very possible” in a thick fake Mexican accent. Robby should get extra points for being fluent in pretend Spanish. 

38. Robbydog and JoJo gaze out into the mud grey water and think about jumping into the ocean off of a cliff for sport and love. Has it rained every day they’ve been here? They wear matching tivas with a pink stripe down the middle that they certainly were not wearing before this cliff moment just to remind us this was a forced moment of spontaneity. JoJo is scared of the dark, ominous, winter-y ocean but dogs are really good at swimming so it’s ok to take this leap of love. 

39. Honestly it’s cool that like 3 dudes have already decided they’re in love with JoJo. I like that we live in a world where it’s not insane to say I Love You after 5 dates (unless you’re a girl, then it’s obviously insane and you’re a clingy monster).

40. A new Chad mention by Derek an hour and a half into this episode. The spirit of Chad will live on forever. 

41. Robbydog explains that it was a deep life crisis that caused him to dump his girlfriend quit his job and apply to the Bachelorette. It’s what his dead best friend would have wanted. Life is too short not to apply to the Bachelorette. LUCIEN ARE YOU LISTENING??

42. Robbydog is a wet dog. No amount of making out or shallow validation will dry him off. 

43. How is Evan still on this show? 

44. Jesus, Jordan and I are the same age? That’s a bummer.

45. I am old enough to be a failed NFL player. 

46. I am honestly surprised this episode didn’t spend more time talking about what a dumb baby Evan is. They just send him home with no fanfare? After all of that man vs. Chadbear? Jeez.  He was literally just a prop.

47. The last of the non-whites goes home. Goodbye Grant, I think you were a fireman or something. 

48. Goodbye Backstreet Boy Hair Cut, who is also apparently a barber. Bro, you would have killed it in 1998. 


49. In the teaser for the rest of the season, we basically just learn that JoJo cries at work more than I do (impressive!). She is so boring. BRING BACK CHAD.

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