1. Last night, Chris Harrison weakly told Chad he should apologize to the house. So we start off, naturally, with Chad confronting Evan for being petty in front of the house. We’re in for another Chad week and I am thrilled.
2. In this house there is Chad, Evan, Jordan, James Taylor and a rotating cast of 10-15 extras who I swear must all be new hires this week
3. Every time JoJo does a talking head I actively start falling asleep. Did I like her in The Bachelor? I can’t even remember.
4. Last night’s flash forward heavily implied Chad punched Evan and gives him a bloody nose. But Evan is just one of those guys who get bloody noses from… swimming, I guess.
5. JoJo makes out with Jordan. JoJo still loves her 2 degrees of QB fame, JoJo still loves to make out. This show would already be over if not for C-Money.
6. I’m sorry for that nickname, that was terrible.
7. George Stephanopoulos interrupts the episode for the ‘breaking news’ that Hillary has won the primary in New Jersey. There is no crossover audience between interested Democratic voters and The Bachelorette. Come on, George.
8. Chad lays on an inflatable swan and explains why he’s better than everyone else. “They do yoga and are sensitive” is the gist of it. Chad only speaks the truth. Chad goes to sulk in the woods alone. Long live Chad.
9. Now would be a good time to get the dull rock JoJo out of the way and crown Chad as the rightful star of this season. They guys are all clearly vying for his attention anyway.
10. Chad claims he has never seen the Bachelor before because he “has a life.” Chad, man, how did you get here? Did you do a roid black out and wake up in this mansion?? Wait, actually, probably.
11. JoJo shows up to the ceremony wearing a two piece outfit that must have been designed by the gaudiest mess in Atlantic City. She looks like a disco ball, but not in a fun way.
12. A disco ball with no self awareness, the worst kind.
13. If there is a God, Chad will make it through this rose ceremony.
14. Chad gets a rose, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE OK, Chad forever.
15. Two of the three remaining vaguely not-white men get sent home this week. For JoJo diversity in douchiness is more important than diversity in race. For example, Jordan, Evan, and Chad all bring something totally different to the table.
16. It is time to hit the road and JoJo hopes that leaving the mansion will make all of the drama go away. JoJo, like Chad, does not understand how this show works.
17. Our first romantic destination of the season is… Pennsylvania? Home of… I don’t know, the liberty bell? Whose shit idea was this? Ben Higgins gets Vegas and JoJo gets the Appalachian Trail?
18. JoJo is on a date with some guy named Luke on what looks like a dog pulled wagon. If I were ok with mild animal cruelty, dog pulled wagon would definitely be my transportation method of choice. But, alas.
19. I was very worried that we weren’t going to get any hot tub action this episode but all of my fears are quelled when JoJo and Luke hap upon a hot tub in the middle of the Pennsylvania woods. The producers once again prove that there is no where they can’t put a hot tub.
20. The camera keeps cutting between a black bear and Chad. Is Chad going to take on the bear? I am back on board with Pennsylvania if Chad fights the bear.
21. Chad would win.
22. Chad and Alex are going to go on a 2 on 1. Chad doesn’t know what that is because he has never seen the Bachelor.
23. How long until one of these terrible Bachelor one on one date bands is James T.?
24. Wait, are all of the music acts on The Bachelorette just previous show contestants? That’s not totally implausible right?
25. JoJo has rounded up the three oldest football players on the eastern seaboard to teach the bros football. The old men are excited because their wives watch the show. JoJo cannot wait to join the ranks of wives of pro footballers. Hello, Jordan?
26. James Taylor needs stitches but he is too tough for stitches. He is not too tough for a full head turban made of gauze though.
27. I would have an easier time telling the bros apart if they all wore ridiculous gauze-y headwear to the group dates.
28. Evan’s delusion about his football skills might match Chad’s delusion about his personality. Again, can’t wait for their spinoff show.
29. Evan wins the football game, so I guess according to my own logic Chad does have a great personality after all. Chad forever.
30. JoJo reveals that her ideal day is watching a bunch of dudes play football while she watches. She is a gem, she is so interesting. Is she about to make out? I bet she’s about to make out.
31. When Chad gets kicked off of the show it is just going to turn into a long make out sequence between Jordan and JoJo. The smartest person in the world could not make them into interesting television.
32. Chad delivers a death threat to Jordan. Evan will tell Chris Harrison about this later.
33. Fourteen dudes sit in complete silence as a helicopter approaches. They’re all thinking the same thing I am: “Is Chad gonna murder-sui on this date?”
34. I wish I could teach my parents’ smart TV to mute every time JoJo does a talking head. My fingers are getting tired from doing it myself.
35. Alex is smarter than he looks. He leaks the Chad v. Jordan beef to JoJo, the only gossip that will rile up JoJo. Don’t mess with JoJo’s man.
36. JoJo says she knows about Chad’s past. What is Chad’s past??? Goddammit I missed an episode.
37. Chad walks towards Alex whistling menacingly. Here comes the murder. JoJo sheds a tear and says something to camera but I have muted her again.
38. Chad declares himself a fan of milk. DOES HIS SOCIOPATHY KNOW NO END.
39. JoJo sends Chad home on account of threatening her love Jordan. Chad gets left in the woods. Chad is probably still in the woods today.
40. At the house, all of the men hold hands and celebrate the demise of Chad. The joke is on you, white men. Soon the house will pick a new common enemy, and it could be any of you. Just kidding, it will be Evan. The joke is on you, Evan.
41. The episode ends with Chad vowing to get his vengeance, a shot of a soaring eagle, and Chad walking through the Pennsylvania woods in the dark.
42. Look for the sequel made for TV movie, Chad: Pennsylvania Killer
43. But wait, no, in the final seconds, CHAD KNOCKS ON THE DOOR OF THE HOTEL THIS IS GREAT CHAD FOREVER CHAD FOREVER THIS IS CHAD’S SHOW CHAD FOREVER