1. My second and last Indonesian Bachelorette, this one only took 24 hours to download so I think things are looking up.
2. I spend a lot of time wondering how JoJo even opens her eyes with such heavy lash extensions. And doesn’t that lash glue seal her eyes shut every time she cries? Which is constantly?
3. Seriously, she cries an alarming amount right?
4. This week’s episode takes place in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The editors start the episode off with a map of South America that shows where Buenos Aires is. This is helpful, as presumably many of the Housewives who frequent this show have never heard of it. Less helpfully, they don’t tell the Housewives what South America is so this may all be a wash.
5. Chris Harrison justifies his first class airfare to South America by sitting on a bench for 2 minutes and reminding JoJo that time is fleeting. Now he can go dick around in some Argentinian brothels and steakhouses for the next 5 days.
6. Wait! I’m wrong! Here he is, again! In the same blazer though so presumably this shot was done in the same 10 minute window as his JoJo bench pep talk. But still, 60 seconds of consecutive airtime for our Main Bro Chris is no joke. I think he might be stepping up his game.
7. There are only like 8 dudes left and I still can’t name them all.
8. I think they are all slowly starting to look more and more like Jordan. Is it the hair? It’s the hair.
9. Wait, I’ve stayed at this hotel before. I stole all of the bathroom products because they were all made by Hermes. I am starting to rethink all of my snark about how tacky this franchise’s destinations are. Have they been staying in some cool ass hotels this whole time and just like, the lighting is bad or something?
10. Nah, this must be a fluke. I will not forget Pennsylvania.
11. “How do you like Argentina” “Awesome.” “Love it.” Just one small example of some of the riveting conversation happening amongst the bros, these guys are some serious intellects.
12. Jordan just made a “Bro-chacho” joke and deserves to be sent home immediately. He won’t be, because of the hair (and the famous brother, but mostly the hair).
13. We’re getting a lot of pigeon close ups in Buenos Aires. I guess that’s just one of the many cool things there is to see in this city that is largely populated by the children and grand children of Nazis in hiding.
14. A man named Fabio shows up for about 30 seconds to greet JoJo and Wells on their date. Fabio and his majestic goatee is the true headline of this one on one. Is it too late for him to join the competition? More Fabio please.
15. #FabiJo would be a good wedding hashtag
16. Wells tries to give JoJo a kiss but he maybe doesn’t know how kissing works. He kind of puts his left palm in front of her face and then pecks the air three feet to the right of her cheek.
17. Idea: Never Been Kissed remake, starring Wells, who is a reporter undercover as a Bachelorette contestant but twist! He has never been kissed.
18. Wells Barrymore gets his kiss in, after so much hype. But then tells JoJo over dinner that his last relationship ended because they were just friends and weren’t kissing. Wells! This is not how you hook the World’s Biggest Make Out Fan!
19. Wells goes home, but at least he’s lost his kiss-ginity. You’re a man now! Leave with your head held high.
20. Meanwhile, at Hotel Hermes, the guys feign shock at Wells’ dismissal after spending the last 20 minute talking about how he’s def going home. They are working on their acting skills so that they can maybe break into the biz after this show is over. Or at least do a better job at delivering the line “I definitely want to get engaged” to future dead eyed ladies.
21. This group soccer date is boring, I need to take a quick nap.
22. Back from nap. I don’t think I missed anything.
23. Has James Taylor gotten fatter since the premiere? Or did he just get a new hair cut?
24. It seems to be some kind of Argentinian law that all people who travel to Buenos Aires must wear cheap leather jackets. And Luke’s is the cheapest and leatheriest.
25. Also, who is Luke again? Do we know anything about him? Other than his leading personality trait seems to be his love of slobbering all over JoJo and her CLJ (cheap leather jacket)?
26. I think JoJo and The Bachelorette franchise have ruined making out for me.
27. James Taylor doesn’t have a CLJ and maybe that is the problem. His does not get the honor of drooling on JoJo’s mouth.
28. James Taylor and Jordan are in a fight now, I guess. The producers are trying to set up a Chad v Evan 2.0 but I’m not taking this bait. There will never be another Chadbear, RIP Chadbear
29. Wait what was this poker altercation we are hearing about? Did we see this happen? Am I getting Bachelorette Amnesia (a real condition, probably)?
30. Jordan’s CLJ is weirdly collarless and it looks a little menacing. A CLJ for a bad boy with a lot of hair.
31. I know we’re supposed to turn against Jordan this week, but I can’t help but smile over a couple that shops for leather jackets and hair extensions together.
32. JoJo gives her group date rose to slobber partner Luke and the other four be-pleathered men just silently stare at her. Is there gonna be some kind of murder at the end of this episode? God I hope so. This is getting increasingly grating.
33. JoJo shows up to her 2-on-1 in a red bandage dress like it’s 2007 and Kanye hasn’t redone Kim’s wardrobe yet. JoJo, you cool.
34. They meet a tango teacher whose tits are bigger and wayyyyy more out of her dress than JoJo’s are. JoJo cannot hide her distain. She makes a mental note to make sure all future contracts require her own tits to be the biggest in the room.
35. These three seem to have choreographed an entire tango opera that tells the story of how nobody really knows what Chase is still doing there, or really who he is, besides the third or fourth Brotestant with that exact same haircut.
36. Has anyone ever had one bite to eat on any of these dinner dates?
37. In a giant twist, JoJo gives the rose to Chase, making the statement once and for all that the Jordan/Robby/Chase haircut REALLY does it for her.
38. My over all impression of Buenos Aires so far is that it is full of empty mansions with a lot of places to make out while sitting down.
39. Oh right, and there are pigeons. Can’t forget the pigeons.
40. In desperation, Alex has started gelling his hair up in the Jordan/Robby/Chase style. He knows what JoJo likes.
41. Wait, James Taylor has done his hair this way too. Have I woken up in a zombie apocalypse land where there is now only one way for men to wear their hair? Has a lot changed since I left the States?? I’ve only been gone 2 weeks!!
42. I haven’t watched a season of the Bachelorette before. Is it normal for the girl to cry 30 times an episode? Is JoJo ok?? Can we help her?
43. JoJo does a big time cop out and keeps both Alex and James, even though they are bound to go home next week. Alex is too short and James is NOT pulling off the Jordan-do.
44. Wait in the last shot we learn that James Taylor used to be fat and now I’m just a dick for saying he gained weight. I’M SORRY JAMES TAYLOR you’re (almost) better than this.
45. But like, maybe grow out your hair. And never wear green again.