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The Bachelorette Week 9: The Ballad of Old Dopey Wax Face

1. Guys, here is why the Bachelorette is worse than the Bachelor: In the Winter I am sad and have nothing better to do on a Monday night than wrap myself in a pile of blankets and pizza and watch bland ass men lead on a gaggle of dumb sticks. In the Summer, I am a joyous celebrator of life and have no interest in watching JoJo cry 40 times an hour over some light dating.

2. Luke goes home even though he made JoJo cry and Jojo loves to cry

3. JoJo keeps crying while Luke gives her the dead eyes. Dead eyes is right up her alley and I am surprised she isn’t taking him back on the spot.

4. I swear to God if this full 2 hours is just JoJo crying I will throw my laptop out the window. 

5. JoJo is unbearable. This is only acceptable behavior if she is getting a 100,000 dollar bonus every time she cries. 

6. I guess these idiots are going to Thailand. 

7. JoJo is already over Luke, one day later, and all of those tears were definitely genuine. She checks into her glamorous Marriott Hotel, which seems to be the least aesthetically pleasing place in all of Thailand, and then practices her fake laugh on the street until Robby shows up. 

8. In keeping with the tradition of The Bachelor franchise exclusively booking vacations in horribly off-season places, Robby tries to have a meaningful conversation while what I assume is the beginning of the 40 day flood proceeds outside. The sound editors don’t know how to edit out the very loud thunder, but JoJo and Robby are gonna act like it isn’t happening anyway.

9. Did Robby just call JoJo Joelle?


11. This just in: Robby’s dad has a tendency to write notes to his adult children and ‘sneak’ them into their jeans pockets.

12. Why does Robby look so wet? Did they not have it in the budget to bring a make-up team to Thailand?

13. The Marriott Fantasy Suite looks like a B- at best. 

14. JoJo wakes up with a full face of make up, but also a messy bun so you know she isn’t high maintenance. And then she runs, RUNS, for the door because that’s how much she likes hanging out with Robby. 

15. Jordan gets a fun beautiful beach date in the sun. I don’t want to say this is a better date than pedicures with Robby but…

16. Supposed athlete Jordan is having a very hard time walking up a small hill. Yep, I definitely believe he is into #sports

17. Honestly huge props to the producer who located this date in a ‘no-kiss zone.’ I have started physically cringing at the sound of JoJo sucking face. And there’s a lot of sound. I know you guys have noticed.

18. Guy number 3 — Chase? — I once believed to be a total snooze fest but now I think he might be my favorite. He’s just so dopey, kissing fishes and wearing v-necks. He has no idea what he is doing in the final 3 and neither do I. Whatever. Enjoy your last day on this show, Chase. You deserve to.

19. Surprise! Here is Robby, the lost wet dog. He is here on a surprise which means the producers think he is low key crazy. He is definitely clingy, but crazy?? What were the giveaways here… the overly manicured hair? The eyes? 

20. This doesn’t phase JoJo though, she does not understand how this show works. She sees this surprise drop in as a good thing.  Whelp, see ya Chase.

21. The simple goober rolls into the fantasy sweet, decides it might be a good idea to say I love you, shark eyes and all. It is not a good idea. JoJo is dumping him on the spot. He's too nice, and obviously heterosexual. 

22. Goodbye forever, old dopey wax face. Though this may seem like a hard blow, never forget, that no one even knew why you were here in the first place. 

23. “JoJo make sure you step away to cry during dates as much as humanly possible. The viewers are gonna love it.”

24. I just remembered that Chadbear will be back for the Dudes Tell All episode up next and I think that will give me the strength to get through this bad soap opera scene.

25. Oh JoJo is gonna be so sad she dumped dopey wax face when Jordan wins this whole thing and then never reconciles with big bro Aaron. She might even go back to him and live happily ever after in Colorado with the cool mom. 

26. We can all agree dopey wax face over Robby though right? He’s still in those skin tight white pants

27. This episode is over now. Not a lot happened. I am deeply, truly, over this season of the Bachelorette. I plan to do to it what JoJo did to waxy Chase and dump it right before the finale. She'll end up with Jordan, Robby will go out with a wet dog whimper. I'm fucking ready for CHAD X LACE in Paradise though. 

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