1. So, last week, I was watching The Bachelorette, prepping my post/love letter, when I realized that it was my last day of my 26th year and that was simply an unacceptable way to spend it. So I ate one full pizza, cleaned someone else’s dog pee off my floor, and called it a day.
2. I am assuming, though, that the only important thing that happened in last week’s episode was that weird, weird, deeply weird, four way between Jojo, Alex, a horse, and a silent man in a beret. (That is what was happening right? I was somewhat distracted by the dog piss)
3. Hometowns this week! She is down to 4 guys, which I think is 2 less than last week, but again, who knows.
4. Some guy named Chase is here! Who is Chase again? He is some sort of man that wears khakis in the snow.
5. Chase decides to treat Jojo to an outdoor picnic in the winter, in the snow. Chase, as much as I hate to be reductive towards women as a whole, you know what my gender HATES? Being cold. You are stupid, Chase. No amount of relaxed man spread on a faux fur blanket will make up for that.
6. Props to Jojo for wearing somewhat reasonable footwear onto this mountain top though. A sturdy, flat, fashion cowboy boot. Which is immediately switched out for a chunky heel when she walks into Chase’s house.
7. Chase’s dad has a new family that he likes more than his old family. This clearly weighs heavy on both father and son, but they try and pretend like they are friends. Chase uses this opportunity to confront his dad about leaving his mom (presumably many, many years ago?) and Chase’s dad explains, slowly, that his new wife is way doper than Chase’s mom. Somehow Chase’s dad seems like the winner in all of this.
8. Later, JoJo meets the members of Chase’s family that Chase actually likes. The evening sits under a heavy heavy cloud of, these people aren’t QUITE as good as Chase’s dad’s other family.
9. Chase’s mom has been to a LOT of divorced lady conventions. And yoga and wine retreats. She has found herself. She and JoJo are really connecting.
10. One day, when JoJo is going through her first divorce, probably from Jordan, she will call Chase’s mom and ask about her favorite wellness retreats where she can learn to take care of herself first.
11. I would watch a full spin off series of Chase’s mom. Facing her second chapter with her head held high, somewhere in Colorado.
12. JoJo and Jordan have made it to Chico. JoJo has already forgiven Jordan for not having a relationship with his famous brother. Also, there are deer here!
13. Jordan can’t quite drive the point home enough that he’s already past his peak, so he brings JoJo to his high school.
14. JoJo can’t drop the Aaron talk. She REALLY thought she was gonna get to meet a celeb and this is just all one big disappointment/acting accomplishment for her reel
15. Mama Rodgers and Brother Luke both have the same haircut as Jordan. This is definitely a pre-req for being on this show.
16. Ok I now need to make the full disclaimer that this was the exact moment in this show I fell asleep. I am currently on a transatlantic flight to visit my craziest friend in Athens. Last night, before I left, I found out last night I have Staph infection in my leg which I took to be a certain death sentence (my doctor assures me that it is aggressively common) and so I have basically been wide awake in a pre-death-or-best-case-scenario-pre-left-leg-amputation panic for some 24 hours. And this is the exact moment my brain decides, ok, these people are boring enough that maybe we can turn off the insane anxiety for a while. That was 3 hours ago. I just woke up to some very loud and jarring duck quacking from my phone alarm, letting me know that it is now time to take more staph infection pills. And this, guys, is about as close to an exact metaphor for my feelings about Jordan Rodgers and his bland ass family that I will ever be able to stumble upon.
17. Ok, so, we’re still at dinner. JoJo and her producers are really leaning into this Aaron-shaming story arc.
18. It seems like the producers no longer even care about making it seem like there are any other contenders. It’s Jordan or bust. No fucking snow dusted picnics for Queen JoJo.
19. Robby is from Florida, and you know what that means. A lot of weird close up shots of turtles and birds.
20. JoJo says Robby has so many different sides, he can both express feelings but also sometimes have fun. So, the basic qualities in any sentient human. Ok.
21. What if at the end of all of this JoJo is just a replicant? Which guy is going to reveal her to the world?? Chris Harrison third act twist?
22. Robby's ex is causing drama for JoJo, she is worried it isn’t over. But we all know it is because Chad keeps gramming pics of his tongue down Robbie’s ex’s throat. Chad, taking out one more obstacle in the way of JoJo's everlasting happiness. Long live Chad.
23. It’s pretty crazy that Robby is the smartest person in his family.
24. It is also pretty crazy that everyone else on this airplane is a white bro with a Jordan Rodgers haircut. Am I on a Bachelorette spin-off? And I just haven’t noticed this entire 8 hour plane ride because I’ve been too busy watching Star Trek movies and panicking about my impending doom by staph?
25. I bet Robby's mom and Chase’s mom would be friends.
26. Remember last season when JoJo pulled this same ex shit with Robby? WHY DOESNT SHE UNDERSTAND HOW THIS SHOW WORKS YET
27. Watching Robby and JoJo loud kiss under a clear umbrella is a bummer. Even more of a bummer? I am now watching this episode on a crowded Greek Metro Train. This is why Europeans think Americans are idiots, you guys. Because of people like me, and JoJo, and Robby.
28. Side note, I have little to no idea where I am.
29. Ok now we’re in Texas with Luke. I guess this means James Taylor and Alex went home last week. I know I keep making jokes but I will never adjust to the fact that JoJo has a type and it is completely defined by a haircut.
30. Honestly didn’t realize that meeting the dude’s “buddies” was a hometown option.
31. Luke’s mom does not care about JoJo very much. “It seems like she loves people” isn’t the biggest rave. But I guess I don’t spend a lot of time in Texas, maybe I just don’t know.
32. Luke’s grandpa wears a gold chain. Luke’s grandpa wears a gold chain.
33. Luke’s grandpa wears a gold chain.
34. It’s nice JoJo is being so polite about this ranch barbecue situation, but fame whores don’t dream of moving out to the countryside.
35. They dream of moving to Chico, California.
36. Yeah, Jojo is gonna dump Luke’s ass.
37. Honestly that would have made such a great breakup scene, I am not sure why she didn’t just do it there.
38. So… to be clear… the first destination was some shitty lodge in Pennsylvania but they DO have it in the budget to send JoJo around by private jet.
39. If being a housewife doesn’t work out for JoJo, she could always launch a “tits out” line for Forever 21.
40. Luke was on his way out until he told JoJo he loved her. Not saying I love you was the literal only trait setting him apart from this group of completely identical males, now they are all the same person again.
41. JoJo has her first good floor cry of the episode. Do you think these guys know this is what they’re signing up for FOREVER?
42. Apparently this episode ends next Monday whatever whatever CHAD IS BACK TUESDAY CHAD IS BACK