hi ho

The Bachelorette Week 3: Chad Forever

1. I just full skipped last week’s episode due to the very normal circumstance of I was lost in the jungle for a week. I was going to go back and watch but, fuck it, I assume that Chad was a douchebag and the other guys were white and that’s all I missed. 

2. The Bachelorette is on at 7pm in Idaho, I had to rush home. This email is going out a day late anyway I probably should have just watched this on Hulu this morning like a normal human. 

3. JoJo goes on a date with Chase, and then recaps date with Chase. Chase is a boring piece of flat cardboard and we need to get back to the house ASAP. Time for some boy fights.

4. Chad tells Jordan, “You’re a 27 year old failed football player.” CHAD IS A HERO, long live Chad.

5. No one can stop talking about Chad. Everyone is obsessed with Chad. The producers will never let Chad leave this show and I am on board.

6. Wait, what happens when you take 11 white frat boys to see a feminist comedy show about sex on a group date? You find out they’re literally ALL MISOGYNISTIC PIGS. Except for the limp dick specialist. And I am here for this. 

7. Now all the bros have to share embarrassing sex stories. I would watch this Bachelor Universe spin off forever. 

8. The benevolent producers of the Bachelorette give the dudes 45 minutes to get drunk backstage before they have to tell their stories. Drinking game: one shot every time a guy mentions how embarrassing it is to talk about sex in front of strangers. If you’ve made it through this segment without blacking out, you must be Chad.

9. Neither the bros nor JoJo know what comedy is so all of the bros take their shirts off instead of telling a story and JoJo thinks they’re doing great. Is JoJo getting worse?

10. Evan uses his time to make fun of Chad. Evan is a tiny man and everyone is nervous for him. Also Evan is definitely gay right? Or is he just a very flamboyant straight? I want Evan to get with Chad.

11. Chad is mad. Chad tries to hit Evan and then he tries to kiss JoJo. He fails both times. The other white men rejoice. They have taken down the largest bro and they will all be rewarded with manliness medals. This is like the part of Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan finally takes down Regina George. And soon they will all realize they suck just as badly.

12. Just kidding, these men will never learn self awareness.

13. Eleven out of twelve white dudes agree, Chad loves steroids.

14. Does Josh Meyers style Jordan’s hair?

15. The cool thing about JoJo is that she can’t stop making out. She loves to make out. She is going to find a husband and it is going to be by making out. The rest of this group date is just going to be a JoJo voice over with a montage of JoJo make outs. 

16. I did think that last line was a joke, but it seems to be what is actually happening.

17. Who is the guy with the backstreet boy haircut? I have never seen him before. 

18. It seems like the producers should do a better job at reminding us of these guys’ names and jobs like they do on the real Bachelor. White men are not easier to tell apart than white women. If anything, they are harder, because they all wear the same wife beater and have very similar hair cuts.

19. Meanwhile back at the house, the other guys vaguely wonder how Chad’s doing and James Taylor sheds a tear when he finds out he gets a one on one. Ok back to Chad though.

20. Does every bachelor shop at the same fake leather jacket store? Do they get a The Bachelor group discount?

21. Chad is now talking to himself and various pieces of furniture. I am going to miss Chad. Long live Chad.

22. The tiny man in the loose dick industry has given JoJo an ultimatum. He will lose. You always lose ultimatums in the Bachelor Universe, Evan.

23. Hopefully though Evan and Chad can have their own spinoff. “Bach 2 Bach” where they move in a house together and each week a new girl is sent to them to fight over. The one that successfully woos the girl gets to lock her in his side of the basement and at the end of three months they see how many human women they have accumulated. The winner doesn’t really matter because Evan and Chad realize they’re in love and spend the season finale boning in the fantasy suite.

24. Should I work in reality TV?

25. Evan is a father?? Did that come up in the episode I missed?

26. Chad’s slow smile after “Evan’s a really nice guy” will power me through the next week. Chad forever. Long live Chad.

27. Evan bails on his ultimatum. Duh. Evan explains it is ok he didn’t stick to his guns, because now he can tell his kids that “Daddy made out with JoJo.” Evan turns out to be the creepiest contestant on the show. It’s weird he and Chad don’t get along better.

28. Chad’s series of reactions to hearing Evan got the rose sort of seems like a teenager practicing selfies in the mirror. Just running through every facial reaction he can think of until he settles on the one that says “I don’t care!” but is still “really cute"

29. The house boys are scared of Roid Ragin’ Chad and have called in the tiniest, least fit, security guard they could find to intimidate him. Chad doesn’t even notice the tiny man, he is too busy indulging in his favorite activity: grunting loudly while lifting huge weights. 

30. Could Chad benchpress Evan?

31. Meanwhile JoJo is on a one on one with James Taylor. They meet a dancing teacher named Jean Villows who is almost definitely a Kristen Wiig character. 

32. Wait, is James Taylor great? Do I love a Bachelorette contestant? 

33. Did everyone know that the Carfax mascot is Car Fox the Fox? That is so clever.

34. Is Chad eating a raw yam??? Chad forever. Long Live Chad.

35. Canada Daniel opens his mouth for the first time this episode to explain to Chad the tiers of fascism which go: Hitler>Mussolini>Bush.  Chad is at Hitler level. Chad is as bad as Hitler. Quickly: Do Canadians know who Hitler is? 

36. James Taylor has started singing a song he wrote and is now ruined forever. It is the most atrocious song of all time. 

37. JoJo is into it because... she has never heard music before? She swoons and then sticks her tongue down his throat. It is uncomfortable to watch. 

38. JoJo still loves to make out.

39. Chris Harrison tries to phone in his 30 second per episode appearance but then Evan chases him down for some Chad Chat.  Chris Harrison has never watched his own show before so this is all news to him. 

40. Chris Harrison asks Chad if he does steroids and Chad is like yeah duh and Chris Harrison is like cool and then leaves. Chris Harrison don’t care, he knows a ratings grab when he sees one. 

41. It’s like Chris always says, Chad forever, Chad for life.

The Bachelorette Week 4: All Good Things...

What if there were another Bachelorette recap but this one was read by Nobody