hi ho

What if there were another Bachelorette recap but this one was read by Nobody

1. This is the first time I have ever seen The Bachelorette. My co-worker Willa says it’s better than The Bachelor because it’s ‘less sad’ but ‘there are still fights between the guys.’ 

2. A quick reminder: JoJo’s real name is Joelle and she showed up to The Bachelor Mansion last season wearing some kind of rubber unicorn head. She wasn’t always the cool, fun, low key girl she is today. (You too can find love, if you change your entire personality and keep 90% of your tits hanging out of your dress at all times)

3. Another quick reminder: I still hate Ben Higgins. This flashback is giving me a rage rash.

4. Really into JoJo's self-help spiel. Going to repeat “He just wasn’t the one for me, but if I wouldn’t have fallen for Ben I wouldn’t have learned the things I learned, I wouldn’t know what I deserve” every day for the rest of my life. And yes, I’m keeping Ben’s name in there.

5. Also, “Bring on the men.” I will repeat “Bring on the men” every day.

6. The first commercial of JoJo’s The Bachelorette season is for The BFG. I guess the target audience here is not sad women in their mid-twenties but… children?

7. This powwow between JoJo and former Bachelorettes is one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen. And also the closest I will ever get to being in a sorority. 

8. Aaron Rodger’s brother is a contestant and he has tiny thighs. 

9. The star of these intros is the man who’s job is 'Bachelor Superfan.' This guy is gonna get sent home so quickly. Also, his much talked about 'watch party' is pathetic and he called 'Caila' 'Kaylie'.  I think this might be a joke contestant? 


11. “It’s a hard business” oh my God 

12. I just learned that idiotic guys who do nothing seem less pathetic to me than idiotic girls who do nothing… so I’m sexist… 

13. Chad is the biggest douchebag I’ve ever seen and I hope he goes so far

14. The first guy to make a damn daniel joke is… named Daniel. 

15. The two Canadians are already in a fight over one of their decision to wear a kilt. It is clear now that there will only be One Canadian Standing at the end of the night. The battle of Damn Daniel vs. Canadian Kilt begins.

16. A guy shows up dressed as Santa and makes a Hohoho/Jojojo joke. He deserves to go home right this second.

17. And his bio says he’s from the North Pole? Another joke contestant? Is The Bachelorette… funny? 

18. But seriously they still haven’t acknowledged that this guy is not actually Santa Claus.

19. They know this airs in May right?

20. "HIPSTER" is not a job. Unless you also work at an artisanal coffee shop.

21. Already so many boy fights. These guys don’t waste any time. Willa was so right.

22. Little Boy Rodgers is a full lock.  Remember that JoJo COMES FROM A FAMILY OF SERIAL DATING SHOW CONTESTANTS. She will cling to her 2 degrees of NFL QB like her life depends on it.

23. Damn Daniel trying to explain Damn Daniel to Jojo includes the line, “Have you been following the internet for the last couple of months?” Deport this Canadian. Long live the other be-kilted one. 

24. Every contestant puts their differences aside to punish Damn Daniel for poking another man's belly button. In America, men don’t poke each other in the belly button. That’s just not how we do it. Go back to Canada. #trump2016 #kiltsforever 

25. Fun Bachelorette fact: The guys on this show get way more white girl wasted than the white girls on The Bachelor do

26. Ali the surfing bartender is complaining about the time he had to take off to do this show. He’s really losing valuable weeks when he could have been pouring drinks and playing basic bagatelles on the piano for nobody. 

27. The Jake mislead is pretty excellent. The dudes all thought he was coming to screw one of them out of the job, but instead he was coming to let America know he has weird sexual tension with Jojo and then leave. And now we, the viewers, are left to mourn what could have been. 

28. Also, how do he and Jojo know each other? I need more information on this backstory. 

29. I should point out that I have no idea what season/show Jake was on. 

30. Maybe there is a Tindr but only for Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants? So they can all bang between seasons? 

31. Jake and Jojo have definitely banged. 

32. Maybe a behind the scenes tell all episode that explains to me exactly how long they were banging and if it was before Ben’s season and Jojo got cast because of some weird sexual nepotism thing? 

33. Chad is a full on mean girl but I don’t even care because I’m still wondering about Jojo and Jake

34. Damn Daniel gets the last rose, even with the belly button poke.  The Canadian Kilt gets sent home. Belly poke > man skirts, like they always say. 

35. The wronged men leave in the daylight which means, I think, that this party lasted all damn night. It’s an exciting time to be a drunk, white, semi-employed 25-year-old man, guys.  

36. We close on a one on one between the Bachelor Superfan and Chris Harrison.  The Bachelor Superfan does not know who the first Bachelor was, but he is actively trying to bang Chris Harrison using a terrible pick up line about mini horses. The world’s most poorly researched bang plot?  Gonna miss you, buddy.

The Bachelorette Week 3: Chad Forever

The Government Is Taking Notes, Crazy Subway Lady