The Swamp Rat Rises

Portrait of a girl recently possessed

1. How late at night is this rose ceremony? These girls’ make-up is NOT holding up. They don’t look well or healthy. I worry this is some kind of enhanced interrogation technique used by the producers for their talking heads. Hang in there, ladies. 

2. Can you IMAGINE paying this mean drunk Taylor money for counseling?? This is why people don’t believe in therapy.

3. ...where did Corinne get that comically large champagne flute?

4. Conspiracy theory: the producers give the girls bigger cups as the night goes on to trick them into drinking more. 

5. “What Does That Say About Your Emotional Intelligence Bittttttch” Another Classic Rap Hook By Corinne

6. I am, as always, team Corinne. But her victory celebrations are bone chilling. 

7. Josephine is anti-Taylor and she deserves to stay on for that. Even though 5 weeks in her defining traits are ‘bad at singing’ and ‘likes hot dogs.’ 

8. Sarah and Astrid go home. Their make-up looked the worst at the end of the night. I wonder if that is the metric they are judged on?

9. A LOT of waterworks from Sarah though. Cheers to every girl who is shocked to tears that they didn’t find love on the Bachelor (and may you one day learn about basic math probabilities).

10. Ooh… it’ll be a pretty good twist if one of the girls gets murdered in this haunted house. Never before in Bachelor history!! 

11. Chris Harrison’s New Orlean’s summer blazer is really making his trip south worth it. Why doesn’t he ever pull this thing out in LA?

12. It’s lucky that Rachel knows a tiny bit about New Orleans culture. Otherwise this date would be, at best, a very dull snapshot of cultural insensitivity in 2017. 

13. Nick is not a good dancer. Nick dances like an animatronic child on the It’s A Small World ride. Maybe it is Disneyland cross promotion?

14. Props to the producer who planned this Nick/Rachel make out RIGHT under the hotel window. Sorry it didn’t rattle the other girls more.

15. Dinner in the dark in a creepy mask store. So far my main takeaway from this episode is that ABC thinks New Orleans is a murder pit. 

16. What to make of the discrepancy between the level between their two wine glasses? Is Nick getting wasted? Does Rachel not drink? Has anyone seen Rachel drink?

17. Feels like Nick is really beating around the bush trying to ask Rachel if her parents will be pissed that he’s white. She deflects.

18. Just guessing, the accomplished Dallas federal judge will probably be more pissed that you’re an LA-dwelling reality star who wears long sleeve v-necks on the regular.

19. PS, did you know there were so many long sleeve v-necks in circulation? Does Nick own them ALL?

20. My respect for Arkansas Katy Perry dwindles again, as I learn she is truly afraid of this haunted house soundstage. 

21. I’m most wondering how Alexis, who is afraid to ET, holds up in a haunted house. Like… is she cool as long as no cartoonish aliens from 1982 show up?

22. I cannot overstate how bored I am by this date. It is putting me to sleep. Sorry, Bachelor editors, but your flickering light edits do NOT equal horror film. And… is this haunted house on a plantation? Is this ghost racist? And it’s targeting Jasmine?

23. The only way this date lands on its feet is if we find out that Taylor has been creeping around the house fucking shit up the whole night. 

24. Have you ever gotten really drunk and made out with a guy who was just NOT into it? Oh, yeah, me neither. But like, neonatal Danielle DEFINITELY has I am watching it now. Her group date rose makes no logical sense, I have seen Nick’s physical repulsion.

25. AKP drops an I Love You and is feeling fine with it. I would have sacrificed myself to the dead baby right then and there. Not sure if this brings her up or down in my AKP book. Maybe she holds even.

26. I want to find out that Taylor’s oft mentioned master’s degree is made up ALMOST MORE than I want those Russian Trump Sex Tapes to get leaked. 

27. Guys, that was a gross exaggeration. But I still really want someone to sleuth Taylor to her doom. She’s definitely hiding some dark secrets, I can see it in her dead eyes.

28. Maybe Nick can end up with this bepony-tailed boat driver. This whole show makes way more sense if Nick is gay. And WAY more sense if he is gay and attracted to boatmen with ponytails. 

29. They are making such a showing of these alligators. New Orleans is a murder pit full of alligators. Do not go to New Orleans. 

30. Does the loser of this date have to stay in the swamp with the swamp people? 

31. ABC found the only white voodoo priestess in Louisiana. Congratulations, ABC. All Lives Matter, Steve Bannon for president. 

Woman and fedora, channeling generations of black atlantic tradition, courtesy of ABC

32. “This Butt Doesn’t Belong In The Swamp”, is the name of Corinne’s debut white rap album produced by T.I.

33. Taylor… copped up to calling Corinne stupid? She is not good at this. She is mean AND bad at the Bachelor. 

34. Taylor says giving advice is not part of her job. I guess I, like Corinne, am now confused about what a mental health counselor does. 

35. Taylor’s album will be called "Whipped Cream and Lies” and it will not be as good.

36. THIS IS A VICTORY FOR ALL OF US CORINNE FOREVER now get your butt out of the swamp girl

37. Can’t wait for Taylor’s Spin-Off, “I Have A Master’s Degree, Get Me Out Of Here!! Bayou Edition.” Be ready for her to tell a lot of people that if the white voodoo priestess swamp dwellers do not think she is nice, it is because they don’t have enough masters degrees to understand her utility. 

38. Taylor looks like she’s plotting a revenge murder. This is her Chad-whistling-through-the-woods moment. Ugh, she is totally going to Paradise too, isn’t she. Enough! 

39. I guess this is all implying that Corinne is going home too. I wanna go on record and say that would NOT be chill. 

40. Update: Alexis is not afraid of ghosts. 

Addendum: 

Quyen has brought this link to Taylor's personal Facebook page to my attention and I cannot help but notice that all of her mental health counseling jobs are listed as "FORMER." Does that mean she's caught the Bachelor Bug and is an aspiring model/actress now?