hi ho

The Best Cure For A Heart Break Is A Nap

The Best Cure For A Heart Break Is A Nap

1. So, for a reason that is fully unclear to me here in Nicaragua, but may be more clear to people who know what’s going on in the world, this week we got one half of an episode. Which is maybe for the best, 42 minutes of Nick Viall is about all I can handle today.

2. Ok so what is Andi up to these days? Did she make any money off that tell all book? She was the one that said sex with Nick was unreasonably cringe-worthy. So that’s probably a good indicator of how this conversation is going to go.

3. “Hello Nick” sounds like she is about to take her murderous revenge on this increasingly pathetic Bachelor man. I hope she at least breaks up with him again.

4. What if Vanessa and Chris Harrison end up together? 

5. No but really, it’s weird that he’s escorting them in one by one right?

6. Chris Harrison probably knows the only way for him to stay relevant to this franchise is if he gets caught in a five-way sex scandal with all of the remaining contestants.

7. With some alcohol in him, Nick is ready to get flirty with his ex. Meanwhile his four girlfriends are standing outside in the cold. Nick! Remember them?? 

8. Where did Andi get all of the make up in New York City though?

9. God what a boring first 8 minutes of this episode. This was all a really dragged out vehicle for Nick to get to apologize to Andi for being a dickface on TV. We GET IT, you’re not a bad guy anymore, you don’t even like to have sex now, blah blah blah.

10. Ok so… Arkansas Katy Perry goes to Finland, we’ve seen teasers of Rachel in Finland early in the season, and there is no way Vanessa goes home. I know what this means and I will never forgive Nick for it. 

11. Fuck you, Nick. I hope you die alone.

12. I am unsettled by the fact that Arkansas Katy Perry advances further in this show than Corinne does. I guess Nick wants to be king of the swamps. But Corinne is a star, she will rise again.

13. I bet Corinne and Nick are already banging in LA, having a good laugh at the expense whichever idiot brown-haired lady has to pretend to be engaged to Nick for six months. 

14. Corinne is having a feminist awakening in this limo ride home and it is incredible television. 

15. And she goes out with a nap. Corinne for President. 

Limo Nap Goals ^

Limo Nap Goals ^

16. Now that my reason to watch this show is gone, I’m not really sure I need to continue here. But, well, ok. Let’s see what Finland is like.

17. Nick clearly fancies himself as a Revenant-era Leo and has accordingly requested many shots of him walking alone in the tundra. For his first date he has to eat a buffalo heart and sleep in a horse.

18. Oh, Arkansas Katy Perry, Nick is not going to be the man to give you your first orgasm. 

19. AKP's thing about not telling Nick she loves him is confusing because we ALL remember her saying it to his face like, 3 episodes ago. Maybe short term memory is more her strength. Or darts. Or keeping her hair impossibly straight in every climate. 

20. Maybe it’s worth going on reality TV for 3 months just to torch your ex to the ground on national TV in the second to last hour. LADIES WHO MAY BE DATING RAVEN’S EX: HE IS BAD IN BED! HE CHEATS! HE LIVES IN ARKANSAS!

21. Should we tell Arkansas Katy Perry that real Katy Perry’s former paramour Orlando Bloom is back on the market?  Maybe she will stop wasting her time with Nick and head straight for the big league.

22. Good news for Nick + AKP’s relationship, she has never had good sex and probably won’t notice when Nick (inevitably) underperforms

23. I really hate how much of this email and this episode pivot around Nick’s sex life. I really hate to think of him in that capacity. 

24. I wonder if Nick saw himself in the mirror in this insane double turtleneck and thought, “oh, I look sexy as hell in this’? Is that bad news for his eyes or his style sense?

More turtle neck!! 

More turtle neck!! 

25. No, but come on, it’s WEIRD that the fantasy suite notes are personally written by Chris Harrison.

26. “I’ve arranged for you to bang in my sex suite. There definitely aren’t any hidden cameras planted 😛” -Chris

27. Nothing has ever been less likable than Nick’s Finland training sequence during the credits. Go home, Nick. 

28. Whelp, that really felt like one half of one episode. Cannot wait for the remaining half of this snoozefest. I’ve always wanted to see Vanessa cry in a hot tub. 

Fucked My Way Up To The Top: The Nick Viall Story

Fucked My Way Up To The Top: The Nick Viall Story

Friday Round-Up 2/24/17

Friday Round-Up 2/24/17