hi ho

We're fighting for a fiancé, NOT a pickle

We're fighting for a fiancé, NOT a pickle

1. I cannot wait to see which of these much more well-adjusted girls gets sent home for bitching about Corinne to Nick. 

2. I only just noticed that the main wifey Vanessa has been wearing HUGE gold hoop earrings. Is she living in 2003? What is going on over there?

3. Nick’s shorts seem… short. Like, really short.

4. Taylor and Sarah ambushing a sleeping Corinne is the worst kind of attack. You do NOT interrupt a girl who is napping that is just rude. And maybe unconstitutional.

5. Corinne’s “You do you, you do you, you go girl, Imma do me” could be a great feminist anthem, Iggy Azalea hook, Drake break-up song… 

6. Taylor is wearing giant gold hoops too. Is this a TREND? 

7. Who the dick is Brittany the travel nurse? 

8. I guess who cares, goodbye Mystery Brit. May you have a nice future, administering yellow fever shots and printing out information about Polio.

9. Christen and her chunky highlights have a really fabulous silent exit. I did think that her plan to sell out Liz would get her further in this competition, but I guess Nick is so over last week’s drama.

10. Was that it? Only two girls had to go home? Ok whatever. We’re really gonna drag this out.

11. All that sleep is doing wonders for Corinne’s skin (and tits?). She is glowing. Keep napping, girl. 

12. Milwaukee is a terrible place to travel for a reality TV show. Could ABC not get a group deal on Miami or something? Seriously. How are these girls feigning excitement?? Maybe their careers as aspiring actors are more promising than I originally believed. 

13. I am surprised Corinne knows how to pack herself. Seems like it wouldn’t be in her wheelhouse.

14. TV Show Pitch: Exactly the same show as Lost, but the plane that disappears is this LAX-Milwaukee flight that 15 Bachelor contestants are on.

15. Nick’s mom looks like a cross between Kate Gosselin and a Kristen Wiig character. Cool leather jacket though.

16. Nick’s mom might be the only person more excited to be a recurring reality character than Nick Viall. Hasn’t she had like, 11 kids? Has she been trying to breed the perfect Bachelor contestant? 

17. Nick’s dad has no time for this though. Good for Nick’s dad. 

18. And cool glasses, Nick’s dad! Is Milwaukee… trendy? Look at all of these young people working in this coffee shop. (None of them are wearing gold hoop earrings.) 

19. I think Danielle L. has gotten new extensions since the last group date.

20. Danielle L. gets the big one on one. They are a good match because Danielle L. laughs at all of Nick’s jokes, such as “this is the library” and “it’s good to be home." Danielle has a great sense of humor.

21. So crazy that Nick ran into an ex on this televised date. What a coincidence. Just nuts.

22. Amber the ex is in full hair and make up, as I assume she always is, because this is not a staged encounter. 

23. Nick admits to having sex with ANOTHER person on this soccer field. What are we up to like, 4 now?? Slut. 

24. A few minutes into this Danielle L. one on one I fell asleep for about two days. If you are wondering why I couldn’t get this post up before Wednesday afternoon, it is because Danielle L. is the ABC equivalent of Lunesta. 

25. Corinne is sipping on some RED wine tonight. Crazy. Or maybe it’s just grape juice.

26. You know what? I am all in on Arkansas KP. I hope she crushes her date.

27. “Now that you’re here, how do you feel about like all of it?” Nick asks, as his air of intelligence fully disappears, probably forever.

28. Daneille and Nick go to see Chris Lane, who is apparently a famous singer, but I have never seen him or heard of him before. Is he maybe a recycled Backstreet Boy?

29. Apparently Chris Lane is most famous for not making it on to American Idol.

30. If I were a producer on the Bachelor, I would regularly book totally made up music acts and see if the contestants still screamed when they saw some anonymous musician on a stage.

31. WHAT SPA does Corinne know about where they feed you chicken tacos? This sounds like a good spa. Corinne lives a blessed life.

32. Nick pretends to be a farm guy but his is NOT into Jaime’s milking skills. Sir, you are no Ben Higgins.

33. I know we’re all quick to judge Corinne for poor sportsmanship on this this farm date, but Vanessa is NOT having it either. I don’t hear anyone coming after Vanessa for a bad attitude.

34. No, Nick, don’t tell Kristina she can’t tell her backstory. I have GOT to know how she got that mail order Russian accent in Kentucky.

35. Kristina thinks Corinne has to go home because she can’t handle that Wisconsin lifestyle. Does she not know Nick lives in LA? Should someone tell her about Instagram?

36. How has Vanessa been sitting on the Special Ed Student Book for FOUR weeks? Where was that thing on the one on one??

37. Sarah is a real B. No further comment.

38. “Michael Jordan Took Naps” could also be a good rap song. By Young Thug or Rae Sremmurd.

39. Where is Nick for all of this Corinne confrontation drama?? Napping? I be he is napping. 

40. I wonder what fighting for a pickle looks like.

41. Nick’s sister Bella is complimented for her twinkle, but it is NOT the twinkle of someone who likes her brother. It is the twinkle of someone who has already caught the reality TV bug. She will be on season 30 of the Bachelor, mark my words.

42. Does… everyone just know how to roller-skate in Milwaukee? 

43. I am deeply suspicious of people who roller-skate well in 2017. They are not normal. 

44. My Internet’s been out all week at the house I am staying at so I am now watching this on my iPad in a Salt Lake City Starbuck’s that is next to a Mormon bookstore.

45. Arkansas Katy can roller-BLADE too? 

46. AKP is already falling in love with Nick. I am back out on AKP. Pull yourself TOGETHER girl.

 If you see something... say something

If you see something... say something

47. Josephine and Corinne is a good alliance. I support that friendship. They are also the first two girls I have ever seen eat food before. Checks out, Josephine is stress eating hotdogs.

48. Every one of these girls is overshadowing Nick. I feel bad for him. His quest for eternal TV fame is really getting away from him.

49. Taylor sucks and I hope she goes home next week. She is not a weirdo space alien blonde with a likely pill addiction like her nemesis, she is just a MEAN person who is here to tear down other women. And that is the worst kind of TV villain. 100% bad for women, 0% entertainment value.

50. Corinne forever.

Friday Round-Up 1/27/17

Friday Round-Up 1/27/17

If You Elect Me President, I Will Make Corinne Great Again

If You Elect Me President, I Will Make Corinne Great Again