If You Elect Me President, I Will Make Corinne Great Again
1. I have to start this off by saying I feel like a real dick for making jokes about the state of Corinne’s floor hair last week. I had no idea how insensitive I was being to her lack-of-nanny situation. I too have not had a nanny to tend to my needs, for the last 15 years or so, and my hair has not been ok since.
2. NOW THAT IS A TIE, NICK. More floral ties, less tacky leather jackets. It’s what the people want.
3. This Liz fallout was always going to be anti-climactic. America wanted danger. And so they got a guy that bangs. You know, at least 3 times before in his life.
4. Will Corinne be Lucky no. 4? Tune in and find out.
5. Speaking of the only person I care about, I found out what her family’s business is. It is not an online escort company like I had assumed, but rather a company that puts epoxy coatings on floors. But really, they’re ADULT NANNY rich from floor plastic? It must be a front. I am maintaining prostitutes.
6. Jasmine wants to be the crazy drama queen so badly but she is overshadowed every time. Sorry Jasmine, you have to try harder to hit in the big leagues.
7. Keri has astutely observed that there is something a little strange about the Danielle L / Nick hand ratio. Does he have tiny hands? Or does she have huge ones? Waiting patiently for episode to go to Hulu for an in-depth screen grab analysis.
8. Shit on Corinne’s incompetence all you want, but she had the good foresight to PRACTICE dropping her coat. Like a sexy Inspector Gadget. Exactly the sort of thing that turns guys on.
9. One notices that throughout this episode Corinne happens upon several crucial props. Is there a Bachelor General store only she knows about?? Do the producers hand out whipped cream and blankets and inflatable castles to anyone who asks and the other girls just haven’t thought to ask?
10. WHO is Corinne’s secret blonde confidant in the bathroom? Lack of face shot suggests producer but those fake eyelashes suggest high end call girl. Raquel, is that you?
11. Who says you have to attend the rose ceremony to move on? Is that in the rule book? Chris Harrison, care to clarify? Oh you don’t know the rules to your own game? Weird.
12. I know that a producer placed that rose next to sleeping Corinne, but I will pretend she falls asleep clutching it, every night.
13. Corinne forever.
14. For a girl who seemed destined for final four success, Rachel really has been blending into the background. I can’t even see her in this sea of teary, weary women.
15.Some constructive criticism to the producers, who I am sure are reading this: When three plain blondes get sent home at once you GOTTA put their names under their faces. I have no idea which blondes are going home. I’m guessing Elizabeth the dull? Perhaps Lacey the sidekick?
16. HAILEY from Vancouver is one of three. She was a fake Canadian, she didn’t even have an accent. I appreciated her effort to match Corinne’s slutty sex appeal, but you can’t be tits out girl AND good Canadian girl. Plus, actually showing up to the rose ceremony looks desperate. Take a note from the Goddess’s book and nap through it.
17. Goodbye Hailey, goodbye two other blondes that look like Hailey.
18. Three Plain Blondes would be a great band name / rival to 4 Non Blondes.
19. This may be the last season of the Bachelor where any contestant knows who the Backstreet Boys are. They are quickly becoming much too young.
20. But ok here is some math: Taylor says she grew up on the Backstreet Boys. “Everybody” came out in 1997, when I was eight. I am four years older than Taylor. They had stopped producing hits within three years of 1997. I don’t believe Taylor is old enough to feel nostalgic about the Backstreet Boys.
21. But as Nick Viall dons his white wife beater and says that he’s jealous of the Boys’ sexual prowess… I think maybe he DID grow up on the Backstreet Boys. And they altered the course of his entire life.
22. We have all been Corinne dancing to the Backstreet Boys.
23. Is ABC.com already selling those matching black chokers and hot pants? As seen on The Bachelor? If not, free business idea.
24. We can all just hope this date encourages Nick to start wearing more black fedoras.
25. I think “group date performing dance with boy band” will quickly make it into my rotation of recurring stress dreams.
26. Whitney has quickly moved into position as Corinne’s lackey, I assume to take over for Lacey, who either got sent home with the blondes or has disappeared from the producers’ collective consciousness.
27. It’s hard to excel at ‘Planned Dancing’ when ‘Planned Dancing’ isn’t even a thing. It’s not your fault, Corinne, I blame the Florida private education system for failing you.
28. Another good apparel idea for ABC: Make Corinne Great Again hats. I would at least consider buying that hat.
29. Is someone fucking with Corinne’s meds? Why is she asleep more than I am? It’s just not natural.
30. Nick’s insistence on using the word ‘women’ to describe the girls says that he is a feminist. But the way he is feeling up Danielle L.’s ass on camera does NOT.
31. Important interlude: is Raquel’s cheese pasta a pasta with cheese or pasta made out of cheese
32. IN DEFENSE OF RAQUEL, THE NANNY, a lot of 24-year-olds still live with their parents. And if said parents are busy running an multi-million dollar escort service, who is going to take care of their adult children if not a nanny??
33. I spend every day of my life in New York wishing I had a nanny.
34. Maybe this is why I’m not engaged (/the ONLY reason).
35. Jasmine falling face down the stairs is my all-time favorite Bachelor franchise moment and I cannot believe everyone else just pretended like it didn’t happen.
36. Zero-G The Weightless Experience - a mere $5k per person, for 20-30 seconds of weightlessness. Apparently this date was so appealing to the Bachelor Nation that the traffic immediately crashed the site. But it is back online now and I am looking at it and I am most excited that you can buy a $200 ticket to stand at the airstrip and watch the airplane from the ground. No Zero-G, just some loud fucking planes and some light snacks. That would be a cool date too.
37. My limited physics knowledge says there must be SOME Gs if they keep falling in slow motion towards the floor.
38. I don’t wanna kick a girl while she’s down, but Vanessa is filling a LOT of puke bags.
39. You guys are gonna hate on Raquel and then say nothing of that poor blonde production assistant that is wiping Vanessa Vomit off the floor of a plane while Vanessa tongue kisses her date?
40. I too dream of eating a romantic dinner on the roof of the US Bank in Los Angeles. Or really on the roof of any bank in general.
41. Can Nick cry on cue? Woooowwww what a dream.
42. They didn’t touch their bank food. I guess US Bank doesn’t make a great steak.
43. The second group date involves real track and field stars coaching the girls in athletics. Is this sad for these athletes to train their entire lives to compete in the Olympics and… then supervise an obstacle course for fully grown adults who are willing to compete to see who gets to take a brief hot tub with a C-list celebrity?
44. It’s been a minute since Alexis has mentioned a dolphin, huh.
45. I retract that sporting snark, this is some high fucking drama at the end of the race. This is great sports television. I would watch this alongside, maybe instead of, actual track and field events.
46. Hey Dominique! Maybe you are always overlooked because you’re boring as HELL.
47. Possibly the best part about Nick Viall is that he cannot control his face when he is over a girl. His ‘you’re going home’ look is pronounced.
48. Moral of the Dominique story: THIS is what happens when you confront a guy about being an inattentive boyfriend. He sends you away. Happens every time. Ladies if you don’t give your boyfriend so much space that he forgets you exist, he will leave you. (This is the OTHER only reason why I’m not engaged.)
49. You’re much better off being the nap slut.
50. All the other girls are jealous because they didn’t think to ask for an inflatable sex castle. Corinne did. She thinks of everything.
51. Is there an electric fence keeping the other girls from the bouncy castle? Any reason why they can’t just join in the fun?
52. Last week I warmed up to Arkansas Katy Perry. This week I cooled way, way down on her as she tries to tank Corinne. AKP don’t you like fun?? I just hope that they didn’t push the rose ceremony back a week because Corinne is going home and they desperately needed her for one more week.
53. Then who would I write these recaps about. Taylor? Ugh. What a young bore.
54. Oh no. Hotdog girl is NOT good at singing.
55. I meant to find a way to work this in, but since I didn’t, absolutely plan on ending your evening with this video of a tiny Filipino girl pretending to be Taylor Swift. ENJOY. http://pickle.nine.com.au/2017/01/17/08/56/this-tiny-filipino-girls-impersonation-of-tswift-is-spot-on