Mama Kathy's House (is the show I wish I were watching)

1. So excited to be in Dallas this week. Everyone loves Dallas. Home of the Kennedy Assassination! And… a sports team maybe?

2. Rachel chats with the guys for a bit before taking Peter to meet her family and presumably leaving the other two to rot on a couch in a hotel lobby. 

3. Bryan knows what Peter said to Rachel on his one on one and now he is gonna gossip about it. How does Bryan know what Peter said on his one on one? I bet Peter wasn’t the one who told him. So… a producer gets caught feeding Bryan the scoop?? And it doesn’t even lead to interesting drama? Sloppy work.

4. Hey. Guys. Did you know that Bryan was committed? Bryan is committed. He is so committed. He is so committed he doesn’t cannot talk about anything else. He is so committed he doesn’t even have other personality traits. Except, apparently, loving his mother and being a player. 

5. Rachel tells Peter that she’s falling in love with him, which probably means she’s gonna dump him ASAP. I didn’t forget what you did to Dean, you witch.

6. Remember Rachel’s family and their love of white spouses? I do. The story becomes more complex as we learn she 

7. Rachel’s dad is a federal judge and cannot be on TV. Rachel on this season and on Nick’s season has made flimsy excuses for his absence. It is weird and cool that these guys cannot acknowledge that they are on television. 

8. Meeting Rachel’s family gives us a rare glimpse into what Rachel would be like without 20 pound fake lashes. The answer is, much more easy going.

9. I would watch an entire show about Rachel’s mom Kathy judging fame hungry white men. I would eat it up. She could be the Kris Jenner of Dallas.

TFW your daughter brings home Bryan.

10. Peter really hits it off with Rachel’s mom. Huh. I guess the editors want us to like Peter again. Whatever, I trust Mama Kathy. I guess I am pro-Peter now.

11. I haven’t forgotten that he is a Celeb Trainer though. Or that his best idea for a hometown date was buying deli flowers.

12. Here we are, back from a 45 minute commercial break. Apparently it is the next day and Eric and Bryan are sitting on the same couch like they’ve been staring at a blank wall all night. At first I suspected that the producers were manipulating the timeline. But I think they probably have been staring blankly at a wall for 10-15 hours. 

13. What about a VMAs-style live webcam broadcast of those 10-15 hours where the guys have to just wait on a couch for their shared girlfriend to come back from her date with a different dude? 

14. Guys I’m so hungry. Why does this show make me so hungry? 

15. Rachel’s poor family had to clear 3 days for this. They cannot sustain this good attitude for three dinner parties in a row.

16. Rachel’s sister is wearing a beautiful maternity blouse. Nothing else. Just a great big blouse. She is the best. I wish this show were about her. An eight month pregnant married woman, just putting down men left and right. 

Bow down to the queen of everyday maternity.

17. Or at least let me watch her rip into DeMario and Lee.

18. It’s crazy seeing Rachel’s fake eyelashes amongst a gaggle of personal trainers and aspiring male models. It is even crazier seeing them next to her sister and cousin’s normal sized eyelashes. I honestly cannot even pay attention to what Dule Hill’s evil twin is saying. He’s in love with her or something? Who cares.

19. This date is just a pile of fabulous maternity blouses and gross eyelashes. 

20. I wish Mama Kathy would just rank the dudes on a scale from 1-3. In all categories. Personality, looks, teeth, career legitimacy, likelihood of being the next bachelor, etc, etc. Break it down, use metrics, make it easy for us.

21. Eric is potentially one single date away from proposing to Rachel. So it makes sense that the last thing he says to her today is “You be great, peace and love, peace and love.”

22. Rachel’s two bffs from the law firm show up to drink mimosas and wear their flow-iest cardigans in front of Bryan. He somehow makes a good impression, even though I don’t think he says anything at all.

23. Should Bryan just bang his mom? It seems like he wants to bang his mom.

24. Mama Kathy calls Bryan out on putting his mom ahead of Rachel. Bryan is in denial, he has already forgotten the time literally last week when his mother threatened Rachel’s life.

25. Mama Kathy is trying to tell Rachel what’s up. Rachel he is dating his mom and it’s WEIRD. No one is on your side. Let him rot in Miami. 

26. But Rachel, this smart, competent attorney is like, nope, this sleazy piece of shit is the person I want cracking my back for the rest of my life.

27. That was a reference to the fact that he is apparently a chiropractor. Chiropractor/aspiring reality star.

28. Rachel is so already engaged to him.

29. Wow I cannot believe there are still 45 minutes left in this episode. I need this to wrap up so I can focus on Spencer Pratt’s budding relationship with Alex Jones.

30. They’re at the same resort in Hawaii and at first Spencer Pratt thought it was amusing but based on his Snap updates it seems like they might be becoming friends. Soon Spencer will have a recurring Crystal Segment on InfoWars and it will be the intersection of everything 2017. Are you guys still with me? Did I lose you?

31. Back to Europe! This time the warm part of Europe. We are done with this snow shit. Scandinavia is so last season. We are going to Spanish wine country so that Eric can have his first helicopter ride. 

32. The helicopter could not drop them off at their picnic location so they low key have to walk like 2 miles. Their entire date is Eric and Rachel trying to walk to this monastery. You can almost see Rachel sweat through her 3 inches of foundation. Almost. 

33. After all of that they don’t even open the picnic basket. They just ring a bell and call it a date.

34. Should I just apply to be on the Bachelor next season? Maybe I could date Dean. My job description could be “Spencer Pratt Enthusiast.” 

35. This fantasy suite isn’t even that cool. It’s just a regular old suite. Bachelorette, you are losing your touch. 

36. Well we are done banging Eric in a motel and now Rachel and Peter are on a date in what seems to be a dungeon. No one is there except for an old man in a fedora who gives the same toast that Mauricio from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gives all the time. “Arriba, abajo, a centro…" Is this Mauricio in disguise? He does love being on television, I wouldn’t rule it out.

I mean... maybe?

37. Peter tries to have a legit conversation with Rachel, but the producers hate legit conversations. So they send in a baby to distract Rachel. So long, serious conversation. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Rachel is too baby crazy to think about things like whether or not relationships make sense. 

38. Peter is teaching bootcamp in Madison four days a week this summer. So… I guess he’s not pursuing that post-Bachelor LA life at least? 

39. This episode is so so boring that no one is even talking about it on twitter. They are talking about Shark Week and some idiotic race where Michael Phelps tries to out swim an animated shark. I’m missing the worst of Shark Week for this.

40. Peter does a cute thing and it’s cute. But there are still 6 minutes left in this episode and dammit he will make her cry if it’s the last thing he does.

41. Rachel tells Peter that she thinks that a proposal is not a promise to wed, so much as it is the only way to prove to her that you like her. Peter thinks this is weird. It is weird. Except that you came on The Bachelor, and that is the conceit of this show. So Peter… what? Don’t you want to just win this thing and let that be that?

42. Like buddy, at least you can spare us a happily ever after for Bryan.

43. Rachel’s last line before a two week break is, “I’m thinking for the first time ever that Peter and I might not work out.” So. They will. 

44. Join next week to see DeMario defend himself on television! So cool ABC and Warner Bros condone this! Philandering sex predators are awesome!