The Former President For Life Of Turkmenistan Is My New Favorite Dictator
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT VLADIMIR PUTIN.
The real hero of Central Asia was the former President For Life (a real title he made up!) Saparmurat Niyazov. Perhaps best known for erecting giant gold statues of himself and legally banning lip synching, his best work by far was the control he took over basic every day vocabulary.
Per Slate:
“Niyazov liked to name things after himself and his late mother. The city of Krasnovodsk and the month of January both became “Turkmenbashi”, while the month of April and the word for bread were changed to his mother’s name, Gurbansoltan.”
And like, I GET IT. If I were The President For Life of America you have to know I would 100% change the name of Bread to "Debra," which wouldn't even be that weird since Debra is an anagram for bread and you'd all get used to it quickly.
Alas, Niyazov passed a little over a decade ago. And now Turkmenistan is ruled over by a new president, who only builds very big, not colossal, gold statues of himself. But we can at least all apply for visas to Turkmenistan to pay our dues to the absolute silliest dictator who ever lived.
Those interested can book a trip today through Young Pioneer Tours, the same company that brought Otto Warmbier to North Korea. You'll be in good hands.
