Party In The City Where The Heat Is On

1. Hey guys. Remember Bimini? Well, it’s still here, and our tear soaked lady friends are still here too. And! Vanessa is back from the dead, she’s decided she’ll grace us with her presence for this first shot at least.

TFW you realize your life peak is the label "Career Bachelor"

2. Nick’s moody boy beach walk is out of control. Corinne, can’t you whip this boy into shape? There are four girls waiting to hear that there is at least ONE Bachelor convention left that Nick will not burn to the ground.

3. And still, Arkansas Katy Perry remains unfazed. Unclear if she’s ever experienced an emotion of any kind. 

4. Nick and the Nick Signature Casual Rose Ceremony is really redefining the Bachelor series. What’s next, casual limo roll outs? Casual fuck suites? Casual Fridays? 

5. “From here on out, all Fridays on the Bachelor will be Casual."

6. I think I’d like my next job to be the person that puts together the ‘coming up tonight on The Bachelor’ clip edit. They are America’s foremost creators of Fake News. They are living the dream. 

7. Hoxie looks… like a swamp. Is Arkansas a swamp? I thought Taylor (RIP) was the reigning queen of the swamplands but perhaps I was mistaken.

8. Mudding, frog digging, and climbing grain bins are three activities I have legitimately never heard of. AKP is definitely the swamp queen.

9. No proof yet that Hoxie is a town and not just a mud pit. But Nick seems ok spending the rest of his life dry humping in a puddle. Good for you, Nick. I’m glad to see you have range.

Courtesy of the Arkansas Tourism Board (People Magazine)

10. Nick brought deli flowers AND chocolates because he is the king of class. 

11. I am looking at AKP’s parents and I cannot for the life of me figure out how they made an even vaguely attractive daughter, let alone a sexy swamp vixen.

12. AKP's family is just so, agreeable. It’s pretty boring. Plus we’re not even allowed to hear their take on the (presumably newly elected) Trump. Bring on Corinne please.

13. Here is a shot of some giant cows, so I guess we’re in Texas. Nick puts on his biggest belt buckle to fit in. Nick needs some fashion help from Corinne ASAP.

14. For a really solid, steamy date, Rachel brings Nick to church. Good job Rachel. I hope your season of the Bachelorette is this wholesome and drama free (ugh).

15. Nick looks really uncomfortable in this gospel singalong situation but to his credit, SO DOES RACHEL. 

16. Daddy Judge knows Nick is not good enough for his daughter, opts out of the whole charade.

17. Flower check: these flowers look cheaper than the deli’s in Hoxie. But the chocolate box looks bigger. I’ll call it a draw.

18. Rachel’s mom is not taking Nick’s sass well at all. Nick you are TOO comfortable. Also Rachel’s sister with the low-key Trump reference… erm “political climate” reference. I like this family.

19. Ok now this is what we’ve all been waiting for all season. BIENVENIDO A MIAMI guys.

20. Corinne’s date is a shopping date because she is a genius. She is going to buy her way into Nick’s very shallow, fame whoring, materialistic heart. Though I don’t know what an “exclusive mall” means. Are they stopping people at the parking structure?

21. Seeing Corinne interact with the retailers of Miami makes me think… she has a lot in common with my mom. 

22. “Make that person your person” is amazing shopping advice. You go Corinne, you go. 

23. Miami Nick in the Panama hat, Nick in the fancy sweatpants, Nick in the fur shoes, I think every look suits him, at least better than “swamp guy Nick” or “intellectual Texas Nick." He has had a taste of the fancy ass Miami life, he won’t let it go. Sign him up for a thousand more seasons of the Bachelor to fund his newly found shopping addiction.

24. I want a record replay of Corinne’s “I… love you” forever. It sounds straight out of Clueless.

25. Wondering about the deal Tomas Maier cut with the Bachelor to get Nick in a head to toe outfit. I think probably the whole thing was free and Corinne can continue to fake her self-made millionaire status.

26. Flower check: Nick is holding some atrocious Florida deli bouquet, but Corinne to the rescue has a REAL set of flowers in her hands. And thank God, because I am looking around this apartment and her family's taste in flowers is not cheap. Plus he seems to have several packages, I’m hoping they’re all chocolate.

27. Oh my God these leopard print chairs.

28. Nick calls Raquel infamous, which makes me think Nick doesn’t know what Infamous means. OR! He thinks she’s a villain? 

29. Corinne’s dad is a cartoon and I love him. He is wearing a gold chain. A GOLD CHAIN. And he spoils his daughters rotten and his only qualification for a suitable fiancé is that he can pretend to like olives on the spot.

30. I don’t think Raquel knows much about The Bachelor. She seems to be very confused about this whole thing.

31. Raquel asks what Nick’s intentions are for Corinne and in an artful dodge worthy of KellyAnne Conway he responds “Corinne is really beautiful and fun-loving.”  She thinks that is an acceptable answer.  So, Corinne and Nick forever.

32. Corinne is a strong ass independent woman and she will be the breadwinner, in her high profile job of transferring funds from daddy’s account as necessary. And probably being an Instagram influencer until she’s 90. (Note to advertisers: I will buy anything Corinne tells me to.) But Nick is the kind of douchebag who is still living in the 50s and thinks maybe the woman shouldn’t be the main source of income, because it might distract her from looking good all the time. Luckily I think Corinne is cool in both situations.

33. Corinne’s Daddy teaching Nick how to hold a cup is really special too.

34. Corinne has a silent sister. She dresses better than Corinne but I guess she never learned how to speak. That’s too bad. I’d really like to know what tiny-Corinne is like.

35. Honestly, Nick IS a great match for Corinne. Neither of them really want to get married and both of them want to live in LA and be famous. This has been a wildly successful hometown date.

36. It will be a victory for insane drunk girls everywhere if Corinne pulls through in this competition. Please, God, we need this.

37. So lucky that Nick gets to go on an international vacation to French Canada for this hometown. Where everyone has matching umbrellas, I guess.

38. Battle of the high-romance dates: Church vs. Special Ed edition

39. Vanessa is too good for Nick. Too good and pure and saintly and boring. Girl, Nick just wants to bang and live in Beverly Hills. Stay in Canada where it’s safe.

40. How many times has Nick said “that means a lot” this episode? I’m guessing 8 so far. But I’m not gonna go back and count.

41. Flower check: I think these are the nicest deli flowers so far. No babies breath, a few giant sunflowers. All good things, since he seems to have scrapped the chocolate convention. Maybe he’s ran out his chocolate budget on Corinne’s family.

42. Vanessa name checks Italian heritage for the FIRST TIME all season. But we know from Corinne that she talks about it a lot. 

43. Vanessa’s parents are not on board with The Bachelor. Apparently The Bachelor has not made its way to Canada. Actually, this family may not even know they are on a TV show right now. Did she tell them this camera crew is for a scrap book??

44. That was supposed to be a Vanessa burn but it may have been too obscure. SHE LOVES SCRAP BOOKS GET IT?

45. I can’t believe Nick passed the “have you talked about being an interracial couple” test but can’t pass the “have you talked about moving to Canada” test.

46. Vanessa’s sister also wears giant hoop earrings. It must be a family thing. 

47. Oh this weird redheaded frenchmanchild is also wearing a gold chain. A good season for hoop earrings and gold chains. 

48. The redheaded child is apparently Vanessa’s brother? Why does Vanessa’s brother have a heavy french accent but her sister does not? Also, why is his hair so red?

49. Vanessa’s dad brings Nick to the world’s tiniest love seat and Nick immediately forgets how to talk because he’s too busy figuring out how to not touch knees. There is no way this goes well now. 

50. Oh so here we are in Brooklyn, for some reason.

51. Producer to camera crew: “Just make sure you get a shot of all of the girls sticking their head over the balcony into the wind like they are labradors. Except for Vanessa. She’s been through enough.”

52. WHAT DOES ANDI WANT? I don’t know anything about Andi. I actually had no idea who it was when she knocked on his door. I hope she’s there to win him back. That would be a dope twist. The only way to stick the landing this season, now that I think about it.