My Name Is Nick Viall And I Fucking Hate Rose Ceremonies

1. Every news outlet is reporting that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette. That will give us the first black bachelorette which I SUPPORT AND AM HAPPY ABOUT but guys, Corinne’s Bachelorette season would have been unreal. 

2. Ah, here is Chris Harrison, who was clearly flown into St. Thomas just for this emergency white man counsel session. He says “Hey Brother” to Nick and is wearing a pukka shell necklace under that button down, probably. 

Chris Harrison doing what he does best, bro time.

3. Vanessa’s mood swings around Nick are confusing because, well, does she even like him? Does she like anything? She’s an aspiring actress by the way.  Don’t try and tell me she’s the moral center of this show.

4. “I keep playing those thoughts again in my head so… peace out, hookers!” would have been a much better beginning to this episode. But Nick would not end his quest for fame 3 weeks early. Not the Nick we know. 

5. The girls all make an audible sigh of relief upon knowing they can keep their boyfriend for another 4 days. I know they look pathetic, but just remember that it’s totally normal to take back your moody-ass, self-absorbed boyfriend literally every time he decides he wants you back, no questions asked. I would know, I’ve done it like 4 times this year.

6. What the dick is Bimini? 

7. I dropped Vanessa from my fantasy team today. I still think she will win but like, she sucks, let’s be real, she is the real villain of this show. 

8. Hold up. Vanessa has never been on a boat before? Are there no boats in French Canada?

9. Corinne is being super bitch about Vanessa’s lack of personality, but, she’s not wrong. Vanessa IS lifeless and boring and she and Nick don’t have anything to talk about.

10. Corinne is also giving us more information about Vanessa than we have gotten all season. Did you know she’s Italian? And Italian French Canadian?

11. I want to meet Raquel, Nick, you MUST do a Corinne hometown. I won’t ask anything else of you.

12. I would be on board with Vanessa in a second if she used this opportunity to throw her uneaten lobster in Nick’s face for being a shifty dick.

13. Corinne is an ‘experienced boater’ because Floridians are cultured and buoyant, unlike those weirdos up in Montreal. I hope ‘experienced boater’ is on her resume, or head shot, or Linkedin or whatever.

14. It’s not on her Linkedin.

15. Do we think Nick’s contract involves “must only wear the shortest shorts wardrobe department can find”? Or does he pick those out every day himself?

16. Vanessa’s boring bio specifically said she is afraid of sharks, so I’m not sure why she isn’t on this group date. 

17. These are Caribbean Reef Sharks. There has never been a fatal shark attack by a Caribbean Reef Shark. They are not considered dangerous to humans unless provoked. Kristina should go home for being a little bitch and also for not knowing any shark facts. 

18. Nick is now using his time with Kristina to ask if it’s been hard for her to not get a ton of attention from him all the time.  No one really cares about you that much, Nick. 

19. Nick and Kristina are doing some lying down making out on this group date, which feels a little inappropriate when two of your other girlfriends are watching from the next room. 

20. It’s weird to me that Corinne and Arkansas Katy Perry don’t have anything to talk about. It feels like they’re on about the same intellectual wavelength. You know, in a FUN way. 

21. Arkansas Katy Perry calls her dad “Daddy,” which has miffed Nick, probably because he likes to be called “Daddy” in bed and now he feels conflicted about it.

22. When Nick asks if AKP’s dad is in remission and she says “um he’s good now,” I wonder if that means she doesn’t know what remission is or if she just means he is not yet dead? A strange moment for a former law student. 

23. Hmmm is Corinne wearing some matte Kylie Lip?? She is really an icon of our generation.

24. AKP is getting a hometown date and Corinne and Kristina are going to start planning her murder now. I can see the evil shift in their eyes. 

25. But also, good for AKP for doing a hostile takeover of “Kristina’s Date.” This is what Kristina gets for being a bad sport about sharks. 

26. I don’t think Adam Friedman is a real musician. He does not even have his own Wikipedia page.

27. Producers: Could we get a really nondescript/uncharismatic musician down to Bimini? We need to make Nick look like more of a catch by comparison.

Talent Coordinator: I’ve got just the guy. 

28. I’ve just spent so much time trying to figure out if Adam Friedman has a single fan, I have completely tuned out this Danielle date. But if this bench conversation is indicative of the whole, Nick is so not into Danielle at all. 

29. “Um. Um. Um. Hmm this water is pretty and blue”

“Mmmhmmm it’s nice to be the two of us”

“You’re fun”

“I’m fun”

“Your face is good”

“You think so?”

(To producers) “Hey could someone get me the fuck out of here?"

30. Danielle says “the last time I was in love with someone they died” like she was the cause. Was she the cause?? Is she worried that if she wins the Bachelor, Nick will drop dead?

31. This cardboard cutout of a human Danielle says a string of nonsense that I think is supposed to be an admission of love. Nick makes the first mature decision of his life and tells it that it is too boring to bear. He adds in a lot of “but you’re great”s to make it sting less. But I’m not convinced Danielle understands or speaks English, so it may be a waste of breath.

32. So far, every girl that has worn a loose beach romper on a date has been promptly sent home. We are 3/3. 2017 is decidedly not the year of the loose beach romper. 

33. Where was Vanessa for that farewell to Danielle? Is she opting out of girl time in the living room? Is she missing?

34. So… there haven’t been any flashy reveals of the hotel they’re in this week. In fact, it looks like they’re staying in a nondescript rental house with no sponsorship deal at all. Is the Bachelor PAYING for their housing this week?

35. Jesus no wonder they had such a no-name garbage music act. They probably made that middle schooler pay for his own plane tickets.

36. By far my favorite thing about Nick is how into Corinne she is. 

37. I guess they didn’t have sex, but Corinne is definitely waddling down that hall like she just got big time nailed.

38. Sorry, that felt a little R-Rated. 

39. Tonight in puzzling human behavior: Corinne walks by the automatic sliding door and uses the regular door on the other side of it instead.

These are strange times indeed

40. Update: Vanessa is still missing

41. This last one on one is just, drinking beer in a dive bar. In case we were still wondering how squeezed the budget is this week. Why not just give them a 6-pack and leave them on the sidewalk for 4 hours?

42. Update: Vanessa is still missing. 

43. At this point, Corinne has had too much screen time today to get sent home, but still I am feeling a LOT of stress for her situation right now. 

44. Kristina is taking this break-up with a lot of grace and poise. But I have not forgotten that she is bad with sharks. 

45. We are going to Corinne’s house WE ARE GOING TO CORINNE’S HOUSE helllllooooo Raquel (don’t fuck this up, Nick).