Happy (Belated) Boob Day To You

1. I was without internet, electronics, cell reception, life, in the back country in Canada for THREE DAYS. The people I was staying with (in a “chalet” they called it, but really it was a sturdy hut) said it was a blessing and a privilege to be so disconnected in 2017. Those fools don’t know about Corinne. 

2. Or the TWINS. Who got their own spin-off this week. And I will be watching it religiously. Maybe they can marry Nick. He seems to like idiot blondes more than a lot of people would have guessed going into this. 

3. The hotdog girl reads a group date card and I think I’ve just seen the camera pan to all of the craziest bug-eyes I have ever seen. Corinne is already mad, maybe because the word “bridesmaid” implies she will have to coexist with other women, but probably because she is straight crazy. Corinne is not here to make friends. She is going to be the star of this date, this season, this series.

4. Who is Blonde Elizabeth? I’m looking at her bio now and can’t think of one notable thing she has done or said.

5. ABC has tracked down the absolute least sexy convertibles for this group date. 

6. Nick starts off this group date strong, with some back sweat. Seriously, he has to change outfits every 5 minutes because no one can contain his sweat glands. It’s not that hot in LA!! 

7. Franco Lacosta is not a famous photographer. Is he? I think I’d remember that mustache. 

8. He seems to have imported a challenge from America’s Next Top Model. He might not be aware that this show is not that show. Is this show not that show? A bunch of vacant ladies in a house together trying to be famous? Swap out Chris Harrison for Tyra? Maybe Franco is on to something. 

9. Nick could be a great ANTM host. Such a natural mediator, playing up the drama at all the right times. That back sweat though.

10. Alexis, in addition to not knowing what a shark is, also doesn’t know what a shotgun wedding is. Not knowing stuff is a heavy theme in Alexis’s life. 

11. Someone named Taylor is confident in her connection with Nick. Unfortunately, Taylor, we don’t know who you are. Bow down to the True Goddess, Corinne. 

12. Corinne wants to punch Brittany in the face for being more naked than she is at the photoshoot. Girl, put your fist where your mouth is. (This is the kind of reality TV I dream of.)

13. It’s unreal how much drunk girl sex hair Corinne has going on this early in the day. Did she take a mid-day floor nap before her one-on-one interview? 

"I am really into this mess" - Nick V., all of us

14. Corinne is confused about the difference between wedding pictures and a playboy spread. The other girls think it’s tacky, but Franco is not the other girls. He gets to pick the winner, and there is no way a guy with a porn-stache and a blazer that matches his short shorts doesn’t pick the drunk girl who takes her tits out.

15. Corinne's prize for winning this ANTM challenge was a second photo in a car. That’s not a good prize. I take photos in cars all the time. It’s not special. Just from this week: 

Some other time we can talk about how Canada is the weirdest place in the world

16. “No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will.” is one of the great romantic lines of our time. 

17. What about a Corinne and Chad matchup? Does anyone know where Chad is?

18. Nick ups his sweat game by becoming a human humidifier while talking to Corinne during the cocktail hour. Seriously he looks like he just got out of the shower. Is it a thousand degrees out? Why is no one else in a flood scene from the Titanic? How does anyone with a full HMU team remain this moist on camera?

19. Arkansas Katy Perry is really winning me over. I support this pairing. 

20. I am torn over who-are-you-Taylor. On one hand she is sort of well spoken/accomplished(?)/boring but on the other hand she is twenty-three. Twenty-three is really young. Twenty-three years olds should not get married. When I was Twenty-three I made out with a guy with an alkaline trio tattoo. Twenty-three year olds all have to go home. After getting in all the drunken catfights with Corinne, obviously.

21. Corinne dips in for her third sloppy make out sesh of the date because she is a hero. This girl is going STRAIGHT to paradise. 

22. I just wish I had a better read on how drunk Nick is. Obviously the sweat and red face isn’t going to be a giveaway if he started at ‘full soak.’ 

23. Taylor sinking to Corinne’s level is like watching Hillary trying to subtweet Trump. I think. Gotta double check the meaning of Subtweet. Anyway, I am into it but I know she is better than that. 

24. Nick is a master of Bachelor mediation, he should get Chris Harrison’s job. Speaking of which, has anyone seen Chris tonight? Was he there at the very beginning of the episode? I can’t even remember. 

25. I have never been Bach-happier than I am watching Corinne getting this rose. Nick! I thought so much better of you! I am so pleased you are a floozy loving drunk! A tit man!

26. I imagine Corinne’s dad taking a short break from his online call girl business to watch this episode in a bathrobe and say, to himself or to the array of aspiring prostitutes he keeps around his Florida mansion, “that’s my girl."

27. I don’t know who Lacey is but I am really into her very shallow alliance with Corinne. She is like the Gretchen Wieners of the season. And actually looks a little like her too.

28. I need a scientist to explain to me how these girls don’t get bloated with all of this heavy drinking. When I drink champagne for a week straight, I look like I have just come out of the Canadian backwoods (see above picture for reference). It’s not cute. I am not presentable to the public.

29. I can’t listen to Wedding Liz contemplate who to torture with her sex stories any more. This witch needs to go home.

30. The yacht date is a snore. Just remembered how boring this show is going to be in a few weeks when he’s weeded out the crazies. Back to girl drama plz. 

31. Museum of Broken Relationships! This place was started (co-started? in association with?) a girl I went to college with! She dated a really nice guy and cheated on him like it was her job! But considering what she does now… maybe it was? She was awful. She should be on this show. She is probably trying to be on this show. Actually seeing on Facebook that she got married this month. Hmmm. Wondering if that rules out her potential to be a Bachelor contestant. Based on her history I would say… not?

32. Raise your hand if you’ve ever shed tears over a guy you drunkenly banged at a wedding! Six months after the fact! No one? Ok. Sorry Liz. 

33. Liz has to announce to the whole group date that she banged Nick, because her plan A was for Christen the Cheerleader to blab and she DID NOT. Way to keep the upper hand, Christen. You also sort of look like Gretchen Wieners. And when you sell Liz out to Nick instead of the other girls you are going to be miles ahead of this competition.

34. “Has she used our past relationship as an excuse to be on TV?” Yes. You guys actually might be perfect for each other.

35. I am writing this Liz bullshit while watching Obama’s farewell address on YouTube. I’m sorry, Barack, you deserve better than this. 

36. Goodbye Liz, Nick hopes you get what you are looking for, but you are not the twins, and you will not have your own spin off series called Liz: Happily Ever After? where you bang at weddings until you find a semi-famous guy to date long term

37. Did I just come up with the plot to the female Wedding Crashers? 

38. Watching Liz slink out of a hollywood shopping mall is no Olivia being left alone on an island. She will be fine. She is wearing booty shorts on the walk of stars. She will have a new date in 5 minutes tops (he might even pay her!)

39. I cannot wait to see what Corinne does when she finds out one of the other girls already slept with Nick. Sex tape? Bondage? 

40. Oh well, happy one year anniversary of Alexis’s new boobs to all of us. Let’s all eat a celebratory cupcake and call it a night.

Alexis at least seems to know what silicone is ^^