Notoriously unlucky in love/fame ho Nick Viall is coming back, on January 2, to try and get his catholic dinger as close to 30 dead-eyed girls as God’s watchful eye will allow. And happy holidays! Today ABC has released the initial bios for the list of ladies-on-sabbatical.
Our Usual Slew of Brainiacs
Whitney the pilates instructor says that it’s “fun to rent [movies] at home.” Oh Jesus I hope to God she means on iTunes, but she is from Minnesota and based purely on stereotypes they probably still have VHS rentals there.
Taylor’s favorite designer is Forever 21, even though she is 23 and not 14.
Dominique wants to go to Chipotle with her grandfather, Jesus, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Girl, Leo will NOT RSVP yes to that lunch.
Jaimi wants to be a tiger in Bali. Who wants to be the one to tell her that Balinese tigers are extinct?
On Phobias
Whitney and Astrid are both afraid of horses. Christen wants to be a wild mustang. Will Whitney and Astrid be afraid of Christen? What kind of person picks horses as their biggest phobia?
A person who is more reasonable than Alexis, it turns out, who puts these full idiots to shame when she lists E.T. as her biggest phobia. She is not afraid of ANYTHING more than she is afraid of… a friendly fictional character from a 36-year-old movie?
Boo.
Hailey is afraid of Butterflies. I am very intrigued to her deep resistance to societal pressures. Didn’t she learn that vacant girls love butterflies? They’re right at the top of the list with unicorns, roses, and Chrissy Teigen.
On Risk Taking
The most outrageous thing Briana has ever done is move to Utah, quite possibly the least outrageous place in the world.
Sarah says the most outrageous thing she’s done is apply to the Bachelor. So, points for a vague hint of self-awareness.
On Professionalism
Josephine is an “Unemployed Nurse.” Can one be an unemployed nurse? Is a nurse not a profession by definition? I just tried to look it up in the dictionary but only got a description of the shark.
Battle of the Jasmines
There are two girls named Jasmine. Jasmine G. wants to have lunch with RuPaul and describes herself as “the girl version” of Guy Fieri. She is too interesting for this game. Jasmine B. is a flight attendant who is “too nice.” She will be the superior Jasmine in this competition, but the much, much inferior one in life.
Battle of the Danielles
Danielle M.’s fiancé died. She will cry the most. Danielle L. is a lover of The Notebook and one time rope-swing-ed off a cliff. Nick will probably want to keep Danielle L. around longer than Danielle M., but will feel bad about the dead fiancé thing. But Nick isn’t that concerned about others, so he will probably kick both of them off around episode 4. Sorry Danielles, there are no winners in The Bachelor.
Battle of the JDs
RACHEL IS AN AGE APPROPRIATE ATTORNEY. Rachel forever. She will be let go in the first round for being too old (and un-white?). If she somehow makes it past the first night, she will complain a lot about how the other girls don’t get her. She will be right. She will be cast aside shortly thereafter.
Lauren graduated law school but is NOT an attorney. I guess she did not pass the Florida BAR. She likes rocks, mini-golf, and laughing. She seems like a cardboard cutout who somehow got into law school. She might win this whole thing.
Other Notes
Angela is a working model and therefore will probably win this whole thing.
Chris Harrison did not fill out the survey.
Final Tally
Total Girls: 30
Tattoo count: 11
Nurses: 4 (+ a Doula)
Sales: 0? (Is this a first?)
Thinly-Veiled Code For "Unemployed": 3
Contestants' Role Models Who Aren’t Actual Models: 1
Contestants' Role Models Who Are Chrissy Teigen: 2
Girls who want to be Olivia Pope: 6
Girls who want to be a dolphin: 5
Girls who want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid: 4
Average Age Gap: 7 years younger than Nick