Men Tell [Some]!
1. Hello and welcome to a gathering of the team of some of the worst and weirdest men I’ve ever encountered. And Dean.
2. It’s probably a good sign for how interesting this special is going to be that they are starting off with highlights from other seasons’ Men Tell All's. The highlights from this episode are not enough to keep us intrigued. Great.
3. And I am excited to report that one of the highlights is a room full of LA’s best middle aged white ladies laughing at two guys for possibly being gay. It must be difficult to round up so many backwards ass women in a major city in California in 2017, but if anyone can do it, The Bachelor franchise can.
4. Whaboom Lucas makes a 2002 Survivor-style alliance with Demario the Rapist. Whaboom Lucas is now a rapist-adjacent idiot. This is the most exciting thing to happen so far. This really sucks and I am so, so bored.
5. I don’t believe Dean really lives in Venice because I have been OUT THERE LOOKING. No Dean. Various characters from CW TV shows and a lot of barefoot hippies.
6. Oh good, Lee and Demario have teamed up too. RapistxRacist. This is only chill if we’re trying to round up all of the monsters to team shame them or burn them at stake but… that’s probably not what’s happening.
7. Can somebody tell me: is it weird that Chris Harrison is gifting Kenny and his daughter a trip to Disneyland? It feels like she is neither a young child who would believe she is meeting the real Cinderella nor is she an adult who can enjoy the rides and adult beverages. So like maybe they’re just sending a tween to roll her eyes at her dad in a spinning teacup? I wonder if Chris Harrison will come with them and try to get recognized. It seems likely.
8. “I don’t like racism at all,” -Lee. Can I get this on a t-shirt?
9. The Josiah that is confronting Lee is the best Josiah. I forgive him for being the worst on the show. He is fine now. I hope he finds happiness.
10. The Demario that is yelling at Lee still sucks. Go to hell, Demario. Nobody is buying your after-the-fact pile on.
11. Silent Anthony speaks and GETS A STANDING OVATION. I cannot believe that Bryan is going to win this dumb season of television and Silent Anthony is sentenced to explain racism to racists for the rest of his Bachelor career.
12. Take away everything that Lee has and give it to Silent Anthony.
13. Is it weird to remember that Lee is allegedly a professional country singer? How do we think that is going?
14. Chris Harrison says that Lee didn’t have to show up today. But didn’t he? Is this not in the contract? I feel like if Dean had to do a hometown, Lee for sure had to show up today.
15. I like that Men Tell All recaps all of the drama from these recent weeks, as if maybe some people are tuning into Men Tell All without watching the rest of the season and this is not some shitty content we have to get through to get to the finale.
16. Where Rachel gets engaged to Bryan (probably) and we all have to feel depressed about the 22 hours of our lives we lost to this tragic outcome.
17. I keep trying to think of things I could have been doing in those 22 hours instead of this but I really can’t. I have too much time on my hands. If anyone has ideas for alternative hobbies, please give me a shout.
19. Anyway, people who have not yet spoken 3/4s of the way through this: Fred, Alex, Tickle Monster, Jack Stone, Matt, Adam
20: People who have spoken nearly constantly: Dean. Dean is a star.
21. For a guy who loves loud pants, Alex really likes to hang in the background. He shall not be making any waves in this reunion. He doesn’t need this.
22. Oh now Matt and Fred get to talk. For about 10 seconds each. Fred gets a lot of applause for saying something like, “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, DICK.” In spite of Fred's best efforts, it is not interesting.
23. No. Guys. No. Dean is a disgusting gum chewer. He took it out of his mouth, stuck it behind his ear, and then put it back in his mouth. I no longer consider Dean an acceptable romantic partner. Goodbye Dean. I hope you’re happy with your decisions.
24. The hoard of white ladies in the audience cheered louder for Brian than for Eric and Peter. They are fools. I hate them. They are probably all disgusting gum chewers who deserve this tragic ending. These fellow Bachelorette Spectators are not my peers and I denounce them.
25. Ok, well, that was grueling. Russian Alex, the Tickle Monster, Jack Stone and Adam remained silent. Silent Anthony became a hero. Lee and Demario are still the worst. Rachel is stupid for sending the wrong dudes home. Chris Harrison is psyched for you guys to see some grown men cry next week. And that was two hours of my life (perhaps an entire knit scarf!) I am never getting back.