Arkansas Katy Perry Fails The Turing Test
1. Calling Taylor and Corinne’s 2-on-1 “the most epic date in Bachelor history” or even just “epic” feels like a real stretch. They went into a swamp to get their fortunes told. Right? Did I miss something crazy?
2. Taylor tries to stir some shit up but our girl is not ruffled. Corinne shakes her head, takes a sip out of her giant cup of apple juice and tells her man to go play with the children.
3. If I had a tenth of Corinne’s ability to fake "cool girl" in the midst of a boy-related panic attack… Look, I’d probably still have ALL of my ex-boyfriends.
4. Corinne forever.
5. For the rose ceremony, the team goes back to another slave plantation. ABC needs to balance out their Thursday night of Shondaland and their diversely-cast sitcoms with some good old fashioned Monday Night Racial Tension. You get it.
6. Nick loves to cancel cocktail parties huh? Cool.
7. I’m glad Arkansas Katy Perry gets a rose even though she dropped an I LOVE YOU last week. A win for clingy ladies everywhere (Hey Chloe).
8. I just dropped Whitney from my fantasy team but you know what? Good for this girl who is still in it despite ZERO screen time. She surpasses Jaimi and her insane purple lipstick, she surpasses the girl whose defining characteristic is liking hotdogs, she surpasses the star of the blooper real.
9. I am devastated Alexis is going home. I hope she gets a spinoff show where she finally learns what a dolphin is. And maybe learns to train them too, although that would make me nervous.
10. Josephine basically didn’t care. She came for the h-dogs, ok? Screw this weepy man who can’t even show up to his own cocktail party.
11. Alexis should come back to the show in the role of Nick’s female best friend who has always been in love with him but he don’t care because he’s into that Corinne. Maybe they will end up together, but probably it is a reverse My Best Friend’s Wedding situation where by the time Nick realizes Alexis is the right one, she is already engaged to be married, to a dolphin, or a different sea creature of some sort. Was that even the plot of My Best Friend’s Wedding? Who can remember.
12. I think Whitney connived her way through this rose ceremony by doing her best to look exactly like Vanessa. Nick got confused, it happens.
13. And now that we’re through that, it’s time for the Bachelor franchise to take us to yet ANOTHER off-season island destination. Hopefully we will get a lot of grey skies, heavy winds, and a-little-too-on-the-nose group date rain.
14. There’s no chance those girls could see Nick was in the plane from that hotel. Do they ALL have eagle vision?
15. Beaches are bad for make up, so let’s see who has the best beach face. Oh huh, maybe it’s Kristina. Good for you, Kristina.
16. Jasmine deserves more than this show. She’s a freaking NBA dancer who supports her fellow Bachelor contestants. And I hope she remembers that. Because she is getting a suspicious amount of screen time today and she is probably going home.
17. Kristina is adopted! She withheld that for a long time. She is a master withholder. She is going to keep dragging him along with this OA storyline.
18. Her Russian is rusty but her accent is not. Has that thing not loosened up a bit in the last 12 years?
19. 8 Kristina siblings + 10 more Vialls is SO MANY COUSINS. Maybe too many.
20. Have I made any jokes about Kristina being a Russian prostitute? If so, I sincerely regret them now. I’m sorry, Kristina. I’m glad you got out of that.
21. Vanessa is so bored she’s learning facts about St Thomas. But how? Don’t they have no internet access? Did she bring an encyclopedia in her bag? Show us the encyclopedia.
22. What is Corinne without Taylor? Oh, a fantastically spoiled child who cannot feed herself. Corinne forever.
23. Who is this magical Kentucky family that adopted a Russian prostitute-in-training? They must be good southern Christians. I so badly want to meet them. Kristina for a hometown PLEASE.
24. There is nothing like a romantic steel drum slow dance. This is what all girls dream of. Fellas, take notice.
25. Did Chris Harrison come to St. Thomas? Feels like maybe he didn’t. But can you blame him? The guy is an E-List Celeb and has shit to do.
26. Did anyone see Corinne not take her shot? And then still get the most drunk? How does she do it??
27. And now, as a fun televised event, let us pit all of these women against each other in a competitive sporting activity while a man watches from the sidelines. Good for the producer who realized this is exactly the best way to make the girls hate each other.
28. And GOOD FOR THE GIRLS for catching on to what is happening to them. The girls are suddenly becoming self-aware. Has this ever happened on the show before? The fem-bots are gaining sentience, acting with empathy and self-pity, slowly beginning to comprehend their surroundings.
29. Nick does not like what he is seeing.
30. I cannot believe all of these girls are crying over a drama that Corinne didn’t even start.
31. BUT ARKANSAS KATY PERRY STANDING ON THE VOLLEYBALL COURT ALONE!! What a champ. Her robot brain is still on sports mode. She has not gained full consciousness yet. She just wants to play ball with her guy.
32. Not sure if you guys caught this, but Corinne used her solo cry/pout time to take a nap. She is a genius. She will be president some day.
33. I am not here for this Jasmine drama. She did not earn this meltdown. She is making a real Wedding Liz of herself.
34. Also, who has that deep of a spiral and then totally composes herself in the moment of the dumping? I am suspicious that she wanted to get dumped. And now she can write her tell-all book, “Nick V.: In It For The Wrong Reasons” and her follow-up, “The Bachelor Made Up Two Different Louisiana Slave Plantations To Look Like Romantic Dates And I Was Too Good Of A Sport To Make A Big Deal Out Of It”.
35. Wait so… did we actually see the end of that group date? When did he give Arkansas Katy Perry that rose? Did I miss it or do we just not need to waste our time with the outcomes of these dates anymore?
36. Anyway, on to the 2-on-1. Both Whitney and Danielle L. wear their loosest rompers for this outdoor date. Which is perfect, because the hurricane grade wind on this beach + the helicopter rotors will turn them both into human sails and they will float away to some tropical place where I don’t have to think about them anymore. (The exciting girls were on the other two dates and everyone knows it)
37. Whitney gets dumped and now she will fend for herself, on this US Virgin Island, with nothing but a daybed and a few television cameras to keep her company. I hope she makes it out there.
38. Has everyone secretly hated Danielle L. the whole time? They really kept that under wraps.
39. I can see that Nick is teeing up for a break up talk with Danielle L. too... Does she not? She doesn’t. Poor, poor girl. This one is gonna hurt.
40. She made it further than I thought either Danielle would make it. But unfortunately, she was not the superior Danielle. Divorced parents has nothing on a dead fiancé.
41. It’s hard to take a break-up seriously when the dude is wearing a short sleeve button down. Get it together, Nick.
42. Also like, dope that Corinne called the ‘anything is possible’ a second before the suitcase gets wheeled out. Conspiracy Theory: She is banging Chris Harrison behind the scenes and totally orchestrating the outcome of this show. He did not come to St. Thomas because he had to fly to Florida to ask her floor-tiling parents for her hand in marriage.
43. Nick’s face is SO red. Bad sunburn or all the wine?
44. It’s pretty cool of Nick to come in and just burn all these girls and walk out. Way to go Nick. This is totally how you seal the deal on your seasons-long redemption story.
45. Hey guys… do you know what hotel this one is? The one Corinne comes looking to bang Nick in!! I CAN’T WAIT SHE WILL SACRIFICE HERSELF AND HER VAGINE TO SAVE THEM ALL. She is like the Jesus Christ or the Harry Potter of the Bachelor.
46. Ugh, sorry for that, Jesus. I didn’t mean it.