hi ho

Dolphin's Don't Have Gills, You Dipshit


2017 is upon us, the world is falling apart, and our nation is more divided than ever before. In these tumultuous times we NEED The Bachelor to keep us together, to unite the red states and the blue ones, the communists on the coasts and the hillbillies in the interior. Granted we are definitely not watching the same Bachelor. America is apparently watching a show that reaffirms their faith in love and family while New York is clearly in it to cackle at crazy-eyed girls as they set feminism back a few more decades. But! It’s a start. And when North Korea launches their nukes at San Francisco and every country in the Middle East and Europe decides it’s time to wage war against Russia, Syria, and Israel, and their close ally the US, The Bachelor Nation can be the core of the American patriotism we will need to dive head first into World War 3. 

Yep, I’m feeling pretty good about Season 21, and the future of the planet.

Ok let’s go.

1. WHY IS NICK SO CONTROVERSIAL CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN? Because he banged a few times? Because he slut shamed a girl on a franchise that is mostly about slut shaming girls? Are all bachelors supposed to be quasi-virginal Ben Higgins reincarnations? This is only my second season of watching The Bachelor, but as far as I can tell, he is still a white dude with brown hair from somewhere in the middle of the country with big Reality TV dreams. Maybe not the wildcard that Chris Harrison keeps insisting he is.

2. The reason Nick thinks “I’m the Bachelor” sounds weird is probably because he pronounces the word “bashler.” 

3. I listened to an hour long interview with Nick Viall yesterday and thought he sounded surprisingly intelligent. But now that I’m looking at him and his big goofy ears I am turning on him again. How can anyone focus on his muscle-y (?) arms or new beard when those big goofy ears are demanding nonstop attention. 

4. Ben Higgins is even boring in the meeting of the Bachelors. Can’t it be time to get rid of him forever? He even managed to make calling off his wedding on TV a non-event.

5. Wait I take it back, so much shade in the Ben talking head. Why can’t Ben Higgins be this sassy in conversation?

6. But I still don’t buy that Nick is a bad boy. 

7. Mad respect to Nick Viall for staying committed to frosted tips in 2017. 

8. Time to meet the girls. Rachel is clearly a goddess with a real job and is too good for this show. But. What kind of law firm just lets their litigators take off for a few months to pursue their reality TV career? A fake one? A bad one?

9. So far this first round of girls has been very… legit… I am a little thrown off and disappointed. 

10. Never mind, Josephine is here to bring the bar way, way down. Is she talking to a seal in her intro video? Strong. 

11. I am 90% positive Corinne’s multi-million dollar business is made up. Her LinkedIn says she is a working model. Nothing about a ‘business.’ She won’t specify what the business is. 

12. Wait… so… Alexis isn’t a real dolphin trainer? Just an aspiring one? An enthusiast? She’s not even unemployed! 

13. Danielle M. claims to be a serious neonatal nurse. If I saw my baby’s nurse walking around in daisy dukes like some kind of off-duty stripper though… I would be really concerned. Maybe in Nashville everyone dresses like an off-duty stripper though.

14. So if Nick is a bad boy because he slept with Kristen before the fantasy suite WHAT does that make Doula Liz? And ultra bad boy? A wedding ho? A girl who was worried her proximity to Bachelor nation was quickly fading and is making bold steps to recapture the high of televised hook-ups?

15. I was worried that real jobs would mean less crazy girls, but I was wrong, these are all crazy trash people. Even Rachel had sequins on her dress like she’s 16 and going to prom for the first time.

16. Astrid says her tits are real, but judging by the amount of work her face has had… I’m feeling skeptical 

17. If Astrid’s tits are real, so are Alexis’s chances of being a dolphin trainer

18. If Astrid’s tits are real, so is Josephine’s nose

19. If Astrid’s tits are real, I am a good person and all of these girls deserve their happily ever after

20. My main girl Corinne already knows all the bachelor lingo AND has a hug token. Do we think her fake business is selling Hug Tokens? 

21. Which is the bigger sin: wearing the same red dress as everyone else the first night? Or wearing that disco ball disaster Arkansas Katy Perry aka Raven is in 

22. I thought Alexis was getting out of the limo in a fashion trouser. But. It was just a shark costume.

23. Oh dolphin girl is dolphinitely nuts.

24. Alexis’ dolphin career is off to a grim start when she makes it known to all that she does not know the difference between a shark and a dolphin. She seems to think that dolphins have gills and big, prominent teeth. Dolphins have teeny, tiny, adorable teeth and can’t breathe under water. Maybe she thinks she is dressed as a mean dolphin.

 Dolphin Training 101: Dolphins cannot breathe underwater because they do not have gills. Do not keep them from coming to the surface, they will drown. (Pictured above: a shark)

Dolphin Training 101: Dolphins cannot breathe underwater because they do not have gills. Do not keep them from coming to the surface, they will drown. (Pictured above: a shark)

25. Nothing has brought me more joy than seeing the universe’s dumbest dolphin enthusiast getting drunk and making dolphin noises from a pool. Someone give this idiot a Freeform spinoff. 

26. My sister just asked if this year’s bachelor was a Backstreet Boy 

27. Why does Nick have so many siblings? Is Nick a Mormon? 

28. Corinne gives Nick a bag of tokens for ‘whatever he wants.’ THEYRE SEX TICKETS CORINNE IS GIVING NICK SEX TICKETS CORINNE RUNS A SEX TICKET BUSINESS

29. Or, realistically, an escort business. That would explain the money AND the secrecy.

30. I thought she was going to say the tokens were a bag of money cause she was rich. I guess even Corinne has to disappoint sometime. 

31. Corinne is new Olivia Corinne is new Olivia I hope she lasts forever

32. Jasmine G. is the first to cry. When you’re in a room full of crazy loose women THAT is what counts. 

33. I’m just really glad that Nick knows the difference between a shark and a dolphin. Ben Higgins would not.

34. Nick sassing the hell out of the dummies is pure gold. The fact that he will probably let most of said dummies (wedding bang, shark, etc) move on is why I will never love Nick the way that America will learn to.

35. That and those goofy ass ears.

36. Rachel forever. May your biracial bachelor kids right all of the wrongs of the Bachelor Franchise and the Trump Era.

37. Fuck I just realized Nick probably voted for Trump. Bye Nick.

38. Who am I kidding, there’s no way he voted.

39. Kristina is the second girl to cry. Wait, have we even heard her talk? Straight to tears, zero to a hundred, good for her.

40. Liz is totally gonna get a second chance and I’m not about it. I know this was the dirty work of a producer, but I will still blame Chris Harrison for this.

41. Wedding ho Liz sucks.

42. Christen and Astrid have made me think that Nick has some really questionable aesthetic preferences.

43. Kristina cries again! What is wrong with Kristina??

44. Dolphin got a rose. DOLPHIN GOT A ROSE. May all comparisons to chicken girl die forever. 

45. How will we recognize dolphin next week? Will she be wearing the costume the whole time? Perhaps a Sea World t-shirt? Or a Jaws one?

46. My sister looks a lot less dumb as the scenes from this season show Nick dancing and singing with the real Backstreet Boys.The side by side comparison makes it clear, he is definitely a member of this band.

47. I just hope to God that last shot of the episode was the helicopter landing on the remote island where they will leave Corinne. She and Olivia can start an island colony together, just the two of them. Chris Harrison can tell them it is Bachelor In Paradise. They can tape the whole thing as another Freeform Spinoff. Can Corinne and Olivia find love… on an unpopulated sandbar in the middle of the ocean? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out.


Happy (Belated) Boob Day To You

Happy (Belated) Boob Day To You

Friday Roundup 12/16/16