hi ho

Murder House: Siberia

Russia, arch nemesis of Rocky, Bullwinkle, America and Lindsey Graham, has had a villainous enough week. But the universe loves a good pile on so Russia obviously needed to go one more ridiculous step in its quest to be The Monster Of The Week.

Today, Russia (really, a Russian producer, but I feel fine lumping the whole place together) delivered a press release for Game2: Winter, a reality show that is apparently what happens when an oil titan horribly misunderstands the parable of the Hunger Games. The premise: thirty contestants go out into the tundra and basically fight to the death. Per the ad campaign, the contestants spend nine months with body cameras in Siberia, whoever survives gets 1.65 million dollars.

An excessive amount of digging reveals that if more than one person survives, they split the cash. Probably worth mentioning that this TV show is a FULL ON SCAM since the cost to participate is $165k, with 30 contestants that means they are taking in three times the prize money in entry fees.

So… not only are these Russian producers encouraging rape and violence on reality TV and claiming it will be “entertaining and educational,” but they are also tricking the contestants into paying their own production costs. Russia is no longer a communist country and there will be no freebies when it comes to offering yourself as a human sacrifice for the entertainment of some literal villains.

They’re touting a pretty fucking extreme situation. Per their own advertisement: “Everything is allowed. Fighting, alcohol, murder, rape, smoking, anything.”

It is cool to note that in Russia, alcohol and smoking is right up there with murder and rape. I don’t know if that means their regard for life is low or the stigma around cigarettes is really, really high?

It is also cool to note that I actually already invented this show two years ago. I even made a poster for it. It was called MURDER HOUSE and I made it up after a particularly vivid nightmare. The conceit was that you put a bunch of people in a house, and they all have to murder until one of them comes out with a cash prize. So, basically this Russian show but inside of a haunted house instead of on the tundra. Still I think I have grounds to sue them. After all, I made up a poster already.

Can we maybe ignore the fact that I don't know how to spell "Grisly"?

Can we maybe ignore the fact that I don't know how to spell "Grisly"?

I spent a long time maintaining Murder House would be a fine low-budget campy horror flick. Did not occur to me to add in a post-cold war twist where the whole thing was being operated by some sadistic Russian villains.

In my imagination, Lindsey Graham puts on his most flamboyant American flag cape, descends on Moscow, punches this TV exec in the face, turns to camera and says, “Hey Obama, THAT’S how you handle Russia.” End Facebook Live transmission. 

We can get further into my love of Lindsey’s social media presence later.

Friday Roundup 12/16/16

Friday Roundup 12/9/16